I have a 13 years old daughter n a 9 years old son. Both fight a lot. N do not listen to me, I mean I have to bark at them like dogs if I want them to do something. For eg. Lessons or homework or not watching tv not playing games on my phone etc. At times I feel I am not a good mother. I am not able to handle my 2 kids. I am in great distress and feel very depressed at times. pls help!

Dr. Saul PereiraPsychologist46yrs exp

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I quite understand how difficult it must be to take care of two kids who are going for each other, hammer-and-tongs. In situations where there are sibling rivalries you have to be really careful to handle it without bias or at least appear to be so. Here are a few tips: be rational in any disputes; show that you care for both but more for the person who is right; reason out with both but expect the older one to be both considerate and understanding; teach the younger one obedience to the older one due to the age difference, if she is reasonable; sometimes you let them sort out their disputes by just monitoring the conversation; no violence is to be permitted, ever; no foul language also; settle disputes by yourself as early as possible and never tell them to wait till daddy comes home; do not punish them with physical beatings unless it calls for the same but it should be done with complete control over your own emotions and you need to be very careful what you say when you do so; do not compare the two with each other or with other people you know; and reward them when they are deserving with verbal or material forms of recognition. However much you show love to both of them equally (which is really not possible actually) both will claim that you love the other more. If they can justify that accusation, you must accept it and act accordingly. If they cannot justify it just ignore those comments. Never hesitate to apologize if you are wrong for any reason (they will really get overwhelmed by that). In terms of consequences (i like that term instead of punishments), use the following proven techniques: stick one or both in the corner of the room facing the corner and let them be there until they are ready to deal with the situation by giving you a very good explanation for their behavior; let them do a chore that is related to the crime; deprive them of tv, if they cannot agree amicably on a program with which you can help them initially; make them write a sentence several times that is meaningfully connected to the event; deprive them of chocolates, sweets etc. For a limited period of time and do specify that time; never give them unending consequences or undefined in terms of time or frequency; at the end of each such successful confrontation show them that you love them but do not do it from guilt, even if you feel really sorry for them; never, never, ever reject them whatever you do or say; and confront the behavior and not the person. Your daughter is in her early teens and will need special attention. She may display certain abnormal behaviors in which case, she is indicating that some unresolved childhood issues are surfacing seeking a resolution. Be there for her in a special way and if you know of any unresolved issues yourself do talk to her about it and help her out of it. If anything gets too serious, meet a professional counselor and work in league with them. Be in touch with their teachers and you will be surprised with how much more they know and how it is possible to work with them to help both your kids. But do not be a complainer to the teachers and in no way should you embarrass them in front of those faculties. Your disciplining is with motherly nurturing and do not hold that back for any reason. Involve the father where his role as a man is required and the kids will know that you both work together as parents for their welfare. There is so much more but space does not permit going into too much detail. 

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