I am married from last 11 months. After 4 months of marriage I get to know that she had a boyfriend from last 5 year but she only met with him only 2 times they got their number by a common friend due to study reason they decided to marry but the boy didn't had the gut to tell her family he is married now he has daughter also I get to know by track my wife phone she tried to call him many times but he didn't accept her call. I am continue tracking her mobile didn't call him not but some times she check his profile at Facebook she said me that I want to live with you now but sometimes some memory remind me of him. We are doing relation from our golden night and she said we only speak about our study or marriage or love you and love you 2 that's it. Nothing else. But now I can't forget it from last 6 months. Whenever she check his profile or share me something about him I get jealous and get depression and anxiety. Whenever she listen any sad song I think that she would be miss her. She told me please move on with it and let me also move on. please tell me how should I ignore it. I can't focus on my business or my family. We r married from last 11 months. please help.

Dr. Chayanika SarmaPsychiatrist10yrs exp

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The present situation is disturbing you much. It may be that it is just a doubt in your mind & the previous relation is past for your wife also & she is struggling to come out of the past memories, or it may be that she herself is confused regarding what to do & what not to do, as some emotions are still lingering, for which she is doing all these things. Go for a healthy & constructive discussion with her, when both of you are in calm & relaxed state of mind. First talk to her & try to find out what is her present opinion regarding her past relation & how she looks at it now. Then express to her openly that certain acts of her like her calling her ex-boyfriend repeatedly, checking his FB profiles etc are not the right things to do, as it will never allow her to come out of her past, will harm her emotionally, & are bringing in many doubts in your mind which is affecting you personally & professionally, ultimately may affect your married life. Tell her one do not have control over one?s emotions, but have control over one?s actions. If she do not come out of her past, three lives will be affected- hers, yours & her ex- boyfriend who had already moved ahead in life. Show your concern for her, be a good listener, make her feel you are with her, & try to help her deal with the situation & come out of the emotion turmoil she is in. Together both of you work to solve this problem & make your relation grow strong & beautify it. Encourage her to move out of the past & focus on the new life you both started together. When you both will work together, understanding between you two will become strong, & she will perceive your support in her difficult times. That was a relation before marriage; now she is married & started a life with you, so do not look back at her past if she is trying to come out of it, as it will affect your married life. If the problem is not solved with your effort, then seek professional help & go for marital counseling. The building blocks of a strong healthy relationship are love, understanding, trust, respect, care, concern, compatibility & above all good communication with one another. For a relation to be successful there should not be any ego, pride, or manipulation in between the two, & one should present as one?s true self to the partner. More open the communication, more is the understanding & stronger is the bonding. Through discussions, most of the problems can be solved. There should be transparency in the relation. Doubting, accusing each other solves no problem, but have adverse outcome. Everything should be expressed openly. You are married for only 11mths; spend more time together, express your feelings, your likes & dislikes, communicate more so that you both understand each other better.  

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