I am 23 years old and I have a complex of pain during sex so I can't do sex with my bf. I always think sex will hurt so bad so I'm still a virgin. But I want to have sex with my bf because I feel all the senses except this.
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Dear Lybrate User, Five Steps to Overcoming Anxiety of pain Around Intercourse: 1) Observe Your Mind First, get out a paper and pen the next time you feel anxious and write down all the thoughts that are going through your mind. Dig a little. Don?t just write down the thoughts you?re initially aware of, breathe into your low belly, get curious and start to uncover the thoughts that are running in the background behind the most obvious thoughts. 2) Slow Down/ Take Baby Steps In order to get past the anxiety of doing anything that has caused or increased your pain in the past (walking, sitting, touching your vulva, inserting dilators, or having intercourse) it is really important to slow down, connect to your body and take one baby step at a time. SLOWING WAY DOWN, breathing gently into your low belly, and taking baby steps will allow you to be aware of all of the sensations in your body whether they are physical sensations (like muscle tension or pain) or emotional sensations (like heaviness, contraction, or holding your breath) before you take the next step. Staying tuned into your body and emotions and only taking baby steps forward will help create a sense of safety and allow you to relax and become aware of any deeper issues that may come up for you. 3) Honor Yourself ? Honor Your Body Have an agreement with yourself and your partner ahead of time that you are going to honor the sensations in your body and not push yourself past any discomfort (mental, physical or emotional). Notice that I did not say not to push yourself past pain. Of course you don?t want to do anything that causes pain but I want you to stop, breathe, and honor your body WAY before you feel any pain. You are going to be your own best friend and honor ALL of your body?s signals. That means not only not doing anything that causes pain or discomfort, but also ONLY doing those things that feel really GOOD. If you have no idea what feels good than slow down even more and be patient and curious enough to find out. You?re going to let your body lead this process and TRUST that your body knows what you need. So discomfort means, ?Stop, breathe, and see if you can find another way ? or not yet.? and pleasure means, ?Yes more of that please?. It may take a leap of faith to listen to your body at this level, but in my experience it?s the only way to move forward towards having intercourse again. The anxiety isn?t going to go away if you push. 4) Start with Self Pleasuring It?s a lot easier to go really slow and stay tuned in and aware or yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically when you are by yourself. Practising on your own you?ll be more in control of your experience and more able to stop and observe your thoughts or allow your emotions. It will give you the chance to really connect to what?s going on for you and be there for yourself. You?ll get the chance to explore and learn about your body and what feels really good to you. When you?re able to ENJOY penetration on your own you?ll be much more likely to be able to enjoy intercourse, without anxiety, with your partner. 5) Work Through the Deeper Issues Work through any issues that come up around your relationship with your partner or sex and intimacy in general, including any past trauma. Your body will stop you from doing something repeatedly that isn?t in your best interests and pain and anxiety are both effective ways to do that. If there are deeper issues in your relationship or your life that are preventing you from being fully present and authentic, and feeling emotionally safe during intercourse start to pay attention to those and give them the attention they need. You may want to seek out support from a qualified therapist or coach to help you. These steps are not meant to be a quick fix (though I have seen them significantly reduce anxiety around intercourse fairly quickly). All together, they are a lasting solution. They will help you deeply connect to yourself, access your body?s guidance, and ultimately relieve the anxiety you may be having around returning to intercourse, or physical intimacy at all. Give yourself time to practice and soon you?ll be enjoying not only intercourse, but the deeper connection with your own body and sexuality that you deserve.
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