From childhood I suffered from ocd. No one was aware of this disease in my family although everyone specially my mom had it's trait. I was bright student till class 9. My downfall started from 21st July 2009 in 10 th standard. I still remember the date I used to top in my class till 9 th standard I think everyone knows from childhood only I used to talk less. I had very less friends. I was in 9th standard and those were the days I was going through hormonal changes. Actually I am not hesitating to write here nor I have hesitation to talk about anything it's my procrastination which is delaying it. I was in 9th when I accidentally saw porn and I was clueless about that. Like every young boy I wanted to see it again and again but I didn't knew y. I was going through physical and mental changes and there was no one to guide me. That time I thought I was unique. I wasn't aware that it was Natural. I thought I had disease. Since there was no one to talk to, I searched it about it on net. It was that time I heard a term porn addiction. I researched alot about it. For many months I researched on porn addiction. Somewhere I read it is like diabetes, it is very big sin etc etc. I assumed that I have porn addiction although now I don't think I had it at that time. I thought this disease is unique to me. I tried avoiding it but I would watch once in a week or 15 days. I felt so much frustrated after that. In 2009 10th board used to be very important. I started preparing for boards from march itself. Like every brilliant student I wanted 95%. I started studying day and night, 24 hours. I stopped watching tv. I threw all my pc games. I stopped everything. I had many ocd problems that time too like repetition, washing hand and many more which I don't remember. I controlled all these by my will. I used to study motivational book to motivate myself. I used to study books on how to study 24 hours and every second. How to utilize every second with focus in studies I had controlled almost all things. Now only studying and watching porn was left. I almost controlled my porn habits too. I used to watch in 20 days but watching porn for even 2 minutes in 20 days was very painful. I used to regret 2-3 days continuously after watching it and being normal and studying again. Since my parents were very lenient, I used to be strict with myself. I read it somewhere that to achieve success we need to be strict with ourselves. I used to abuse myself. I used to harm and hurt myself very badly. I used to bang my head and fist on the wall. I used to cry a lot. Now, I am more affected by procrastination and avoidance. One of my major negative promise to myself was that I would never Change. I would never Break the promise made by me on 21st July. I would never study. This harmed me the most My major question which I could not solve in those 3 to 4 years of my life was that 1. What was happening to me? 2. Is watching porn, masturbation normal thing or is it evil which I use to think? 3. Is it important to keep promise? This used to come when I used to try motivating myself against negative thoughts. 4. Is it right to always study and do nothing else? 5. Is sex and porn wrong and most evil? 6. Was being strict, cursing and shouting and demoralizing myself for motivation good for studies and disciplined life which was successful till 21st July? 6. I have read in many places that we can control everything except sexual desire. Why is it? Why can't we control that. 7. Is study everything? I used to believe and still I believe study is everything. I can get anything in this world through studies. It is as important as oxygen and food. I did never cared for my face and clothes and studied all day. After countering those thoughts with counselling and passing 12 th board somehow the only thing that has distributed me is my procrastination, avoidance and laziness. I have become so lazy that I think 1000 times to move from my bed. From 2013 till now I have slept almost 80% of my life. The biggest thing is that I have started complaining which I realized now and I try for sympathy so that I can motivate myself but these motivation exists for two days