Ms. Hemal Sanjay Kunte

Different people have different anger reactions. Very few of us manage anger assertively. Some of us, shout, talk loudly, use abusive language, hit others whereas a few others prefer to stay quiet and not express their anger. People who do not want to talk about their anger, are either scared of ruining the relationship or are feeling helpless. These type of people are visibly upset. They may not show their anger outwardly but their body is tensed. They want to vent out their anger but for some reason are unable to do so. They are "sulking". It is important to understand that the person who is sulking, is very angry. A `sulker’ is unusually quiet because s/he is using `sulking’ to reduce the force of anger. By reducing the anger gradually, s/he is reducing the intensity of anger so as to avoid aggressive reactions.

When people sulk, they feel very sad and surprisingly, sometimes they don't even realize that they are angry. "Sulking" is a defense mechanism, may be chosen unconsciously. The "Sulker" chooses this mechanism to  maintain calm/peace. This defense mechanism has two definite negative consequences. Which are :

1. Sulking invites ridicule and
2. Sulking reveals the loser.

It is so true! When a person sulks, others imagine that this person is "weak", "timid", "helpless" and "someone who is at fault". Sulking does not help, because even if, after sulking a person goes back to make peace with the other, s/he appears like a fool, loser, needy and may be clingy. So instead of sulking, If people learn to express their anger without being aggressive, it can help them a lot. They will feel powerful, wiser, and certainly, they will not feel like a fool or a loser. In case you have a concern or query you can always consult an expert & get answers to your questions!

We are social animals. We stay in groups and like to be connected, with family and friends.

A Relationship is a “bond” or a “feeling” that develops between two individuals as a result of some interaction between them. Throughout our life we have different types of relationships with different people. Every relationship in our life is very important.

But many times these relationships become a major cause of concern when they induce a lot of stress and imbalance in our lives.

Hence understanding relationships is very important.

We are conditioned to believe that “love” is unconditional and relationships are all about sacrifice. This is not true.

All relationships are like two way paths – there is always “give” and “take” in every relationship. We are giving something and receiving something in each relationship. This “Give” and “Take” may be in material form (physical) like money, gifts, food, clothing, gadgets etc. or non-material form (emotional) like love, care, respect, joy etc. In each relationship we are receiving and giving something either in physical form or in emotional form.

E.g. 1. A mother taking care of all needs of a new born baby, is providing all the physical and emotional support to the baby. In return, the mother gets immense joy, a sense of containment.

E.g. 2. In the office, you get paid for the services you are offering.

So it is important to understand that every relationship is “Give and Take” and there is nothing wrong in it. Now, consider that, what you are “giving” is the “Cost” you are paying for a relationship and what you are “receiving” is the “reward” you are getting from the relationship.

Now let’s see what causes problems in relationships.

When your “cost” becomes too much for you to pay, compared to the “reward” you are getting from any relationship, then this kind of relationship feels like a burden. Where there is very little or no “reward” and the “giving or the cost” is very high, the relationship becomes lopsided.

It is important to understand that sometimes your Cost will be higher than the reward and vice versa. It is not possible to achieve a perfect balance between what you are giving and what you are receiving. But it needs to be fairly balanced, over a period of time.

Lopsided relationships become dysfunctional and sometimes may become toxic.

To achieve reasonable balance in relationships it is important to understand and satisfy your own needs, stand for your rights and learn effective communication skills. Every relationship is to be “nurtured”. Make efforts to make the other person feel important, loved and cared for and also valuable. This is a key to “Happy Relationships”.

Healthy relationships give happiness and peace of mind.