Question

I had got engaged to my fiancée 6 months back through family arrangement like most people in India. I never had any kind of prior relationships. At that time, I was told by her family member that she had a previous family arranged engagement for 3 days and she left the boy as the boy was flirting with other girls. The girl also said that she never trusted him, never liked him nor was emotionally attached to him. So thinking the girl never had emotional relation/physical relationship to her ex [ for me physical relationship was only possible after emotional relationship], I said yes for this relationship. A month after I realized that there was something fishy as girl during our conversations brought this topic that she was devasted even after her breakup, I couldnt figure out why she was speaking like that since she had said she wasn't emotionally attached nor did like that boy. After someday, I felt love with her because of our regular conversations. After asking her why did she feel bad because of her 3 day breakup, she said it was a 4 month relationship. Still, I thought it was ok as people take time to break relationships even when they are not emotionally attached. But one day, I was just joking to her that I will not let her kiss me as I didn't knew how she kissed, and asked her whether she kissed before. To which she said yes and she said she made out with her ex multiple times since her ex insisted her. She said she didn't have sex, but for me this was devastating as her physical relation with her ex made me feel extremely hurt and shattered and felt cheated. [She had said to me previously that she would think 100 times even before kissing anyone even if the person was her fiancée. She said she will not even change clothes in front of other girls as she felt shy then why did she allow him to remove her clothes? She said that she felt her soul and body were different when she was in physical relationship with him. I asked her where did this happen and she said it happened at her home, his car and his home] I got nightmares of them and it was painful. I tried to cope up a lot and could not and eventually I had to breakup and even after 2 moths still get nightmares and subconsciously I say in my mind that I love her few times a day and also abuse her in my mind why she did she have physical relationship with him. I want to come out of this but this almost happens everyday This has effected me tremendously, I even hate movies or ads which show any kind of physical intimacy.

M. S. in Psychotherapy and Counselling

Psychologist•Jaipur

I can understand your feelings but you are over thinking on this matter. This happens naturally when a boy and girl come closer to each other especially when they know that they are going to be together for their lifetime.
Your feelings are also genuine but because of your thought process and your values you consider the physical intimacy wrong before marriage. And this thought is disturbing you.
I would suggest you to take some CBT counseling sessions with a good psychotherapist.

Ms.Sunita Panday · Accepted Answer

I can understand your feelings but you are over thinking on this matter. This happens naturally when a boy and girl come closer to each other especially when they know that they are going to be together for their lifetime.
Your feelings are also genuine but because of your thought process and your values you consider the physical intimacy wrong before marriage. And this thought is disturbing you.
I would suggest you to take some CBT counseling sessions with a good psychotherapist.

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