Smith and Mackie (2007) term self-esteem as a set of positive or negative opinions about oneself. Self-esteem is an important predictor of success in career, relationships, marriage and public life. People who are depressed have a very low self-esteem about themselves. They think of themselves as good for nothings and persons having a nil value. There are three states of self-esteem. They are;

Shattered: An example of a person having shattered self-esteem is when he says,  I am old and useless to do this kind of work . This person sees himself as an absolutely useless person.
Vulnerable: In this state, a slight embarrassment or defeat may expose the vulnerable side of the person. Otherwise, such persons have a positive frame of mind.
Strong: People in this state are very strong emotionally. Defeats, embarrassments etc. do not affect them. These people have a very high sense of self-esteem.
Psychologists, however, have prescribed several ways through which one can improve one s self-esteem.

How to improve one s self-esteem

Control your thoughts- Watch out what your inner critic is saying to you. Every time you hear its voice, ask yourself- would this be the way your best friend would speak to you? If your inner critic is being merciless on you all the time, you need to silence it.
Focus on the good things that happen to you- Everyday, write at least 3 good things that happened to you. Avoid the obstructive or harmful things that came your way. Focus on the happier side of the day. Do not dwell upon the negatives.
No need to be perfect- In the quest to be perfect, many people lose control of themselves. It probably must do with the pressures of modern life where achievement is the be all and end all. But, not everyone can be perfect. Rather, focus on the effort or process. This way, you will be better able to appreciate yourself as a person.
Accept mistakes- Often we fail to realise that mistakes come to us masked as opportunities. But, we are too fixated by the mistakes we commit. We are obsessed with the thought,  Why did I commit this mistake?  rather than,  How to avoid this particular mistake? . If we learn how to avoid committing mistakes, we will tremendously improve our self-esteem.
Experiment with new skills- Try out new skills and then improve upon them. For example, you may pick up music and track your achievement levels. If you continually improve yourself in this new skill, you will obviously set new benchmarks. Give credit to yourself after achievement of every new milestone.
Accept your limits- You are no superman. You have your own limits. Once you accept your limitations, you will stop blaming yourself for all the wrongs that are happening to you. 

Self Esteem - How Can You Improve It?

Deepika and Ranbir show you how to manage relationships against all odds

Relationships may or may not always pan out the way you expect them to. Be it with a friend, family member or your partner, certain relationships may end up getting bitter over time. The reasons for this may be tensions in the relationship, break-ups, lack of compatibility, infidelity, lack of attention to details, over familiarity and so on. Although such incidents may scar you forever, it is always possible to mend your relationships, if you intend to.

The first thing you can do is to try to build a new friendship, whether it’s with your ex-lover or anyone else  you may have had a fall-out with. Take for example, the former couple- Ranbir Kapoor and Deepika Padukone. These Bollywood celebrities have flawlessly transitioned from being ex-lovers to being good friends.

So how did they do it?
Through 3 simple ways Ranbir and Deepika were able to heal the past and forge a new and meaningful relationship:

1. They kept it formal while setting boundaries

Ranbir and Deepika comfortably worked with each other in several movies as on-screen lovers with no insecurities. The reason they were able to do this was because they had set clear emotional boundaries.
Being secure is essential for you to stop yourself from reliving the past. Setting clear boundaries may help you in accepting that things are different now and the relationship has changed. Both the concerned people must respect each other’s decisions in order to have cordial relations and not be uncomfortable in the other’s presence.

2. They accepted the differences between them

Ranbir and Deepika were only successful in maintaining a cordial relationship because they had embraced each other’s differences rather than attempting to change each other.
You can only do this by giving yourself a little time. You can personally try to accept how every individual has a set of distinct characteristics and then try to respect and accept them for it.

3. They were polite and lived in the present

Even after having a checkered history together Ranbir and Deepika chose to remain courteous and amicable towards one another. They only focused on the present scenario, instead of mulling over past grievances - The biggest reason why they are on such good terms.
You should try to forget the past and hope for an improved future. Whether you meet at a social or an official gathering, you must hold your ground, be professional and courteous towards the concerned person. Participating in loose gossip about the individual or acting petty doesn’t reflect well on your personality.
Also, living in the past is a sign of an unhealthy state of mind. Learn to let go, and move on.

By learning from the real-life example of Deepika and Ranbir, you too can balance all your relationships well, no matter what happens.

If you would like to consult with me privately, please click on 'Consult'.

Lessons from Deepika and Ranbir on How to Manage Relationships Against All Odds

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a type of personality disorder characterized by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image and behaviour. This often results in impulsive actions and problems in relationships and at work. You may experience intense episodes of various emotions like anger, depression and anxiety that may last for a few hours to a few days.

Diagnosis of BPD
If you experience the following 10 symptoms for a long time or if they have had a huge impact on your daily life, you may say that you are suffering from BPD:

Feeling of being abandoned. You feel that people may abandon you and are constantly worried about that. You would do anything to stop it.
Frequent mood swings. You experience intense emotions that last from a few hours to a few days. E.g. You suddenly start feeling low and depressed after feeling very happy and confident for a while.
Lack of identity. You don t know who you are and do not have a strong sense of your being.
Unable to sustain relationships. You find it very hard to retain relationships and make new ones.
You feel empty from within all the time.
Make impulsive decisions and show sudden reactions. You do things to harm yourself like binge eating, drug abuse or driving dangerously.
You inflict pain on yourself or have suicidal feelings.
You have anger issues which are very difficult to control.
You get paranoid or dissociate when you re stressed.
You experience all your emotions very intensely be it anger, happiness or sadness.
Self-Care - How can you help yourself?
If you start feeling overwhelmed, focus on one feeling at a time. It will help channelize your energy and thoughts into finding a solution for that emotion. Different therapies help different people at different times. You are the best judge to decide what benefits you the most.

Follow these tips to get through the various emotions that you may experience.

When you are angry and frustrated
Rip a newspaper
Hit a pillow
Listen to your favourite music
Go for a walk or do some vigorous exercise
When you are depressed and lonely
Wrap yourself in a blanket and watch your favourite movie or TV show.
Write all the negative feelings on a piece of paper and tear the paper.
Use positive affirmations to comfort yourself.
Cuddle a pillow/pet/soft toy
When you are tensed and anxious 
Try to shift your focus to something else like music, yoga or meditation.
Take a deep breath, use relaxation techniques and focus on your breaths.
Take a warm bath to help soothe your mood.
When you want to harm yourself
Rub ice over the parts where you want to hurt yourself.
Take a cold-water bath to cool yourself.



Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) - Tips To Help You Diagnose The Problem!

Most people will give you a blatant No. And they are quite right to do so. But if you have been a habitual offender who can't unwind without their drink, pregnancy is going to be a big problem. So does the rule stand in all cases? What if you drank when you didn't know you were pregnant yet? What if you had a light drink here and there, will it literally spell disaster? Let's find out.

Contradictory advice everywhere: Most doctors will advice you to stay away completely from alcohol as soon as that first positive emerges in your test. Others may give you a little leeway and let you have an occasional drink. There are friends who'll confess to have cheated during their pregnancy and snuck in a beer or two and say that their kids turned out just fine. There are other friends will scorn on you for even thinking such a thing. Same goes for your relatives. Like all things in pregnancy, random advice will just not work.

How much can you drink? Let's assume that you are confident nothing will happen and want to be adventurous and give it a cautious try. Danish researchers have some good news for you. Some studies have shown that low to moderate consumption of alcohol does not harm the baby. In fact, in 2012, Danish researchers released a highly publicized study that found no major problems in children below 5 years whose mothers had consumed 1- 8 alcoholic drinks a week during pregnancy.

Unfortunately, not all research is made equal. With pregnancy, each mother, each child and progression of each pregnancy is different. It really has to be on a case by case basis and nothing can be taken on face value. Most people will still advise you to completely go off alcohol as there is 'no safe' amount during pregnancy. Some women have a larger quantity of the enzyme that breaks down alcohol. If a woman with lower levels of this enzyme drinks alcohol, it is more likely to harm her unborn child as the alcohol will remain in her bloodstream longer.

How alcohol can affect your child?

A number of disorders that can affect your child when in the womb and even after because of alcohol consumption. These disorders are collectively called 'Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder'. It is characterized by increased risk in miscarriage and stillbirth. It can also result in the baby having low birth weight and increase problems with learning, speech, attention span, language and hyperactivity. Alcohol consumption may also affect girl child and a baby boy differently. While both may turn out to have aggressive and delinquent behaviour, girls are more likely to develop mental health problems too.

If you are unable to give up on alcohol, you need to immediately get professional help to overcome your addiction. Also note that the term 'non-alcoholic' beverage is misleading as they can contain trace amounts of it. Consult a doctor today on which drinks are safe for you.

Alcohol in Pregnancy: Is it Safe?

Bipolar disorder is one of the conditions which most people are aware of. However, not many can truly understand. Lets see some signs that inform a person of possible bipolar disorder in a child or a teenager:

While most kids go through a series of ups and downs on a regular basis, in the case of a child who has bipolar disorder, both the ups and downs can be characterised by relative extremes. Not only does the mood of the child change, but also there are other changes which take place. These changes affect the sleep cycle as well as the clarity of the affected child s intuition and the level of energy that is displayed. The set of people who are at the highest risk of developing bipolar disorder are those who have reached their late teen years and are entering adulthood.

There are ways to treat bipolar disorder, but the fact remains that it stays for life.
When a person has bipolar disorder, the manic phase may result in him or her acting happy or silly in an unusual manner, at least for a person who is around that age. In addition to this, a short temperedness may be displayed and there are problems in getting proper sleep. It is important to keep in mind the fact that in the manic phase, the person is quite likely to commit risky actions. As such, one must keep an eye on his/her affected child.

On the other hand, over the course of the depressive phase, the patient is likely to feel guilty and cut down on the amount of food that is eaten. There is a general loss of energy and even activities, which normally seemed engaging and fun may seem to have lost their allure during this phase. In some cases, thoughts of death and suicide may also be considered.

As a parent, it is important to be aware of the fact that bipolar disorder may not necessarily occur on its own. In fact, there are quite a few cases when it occurs with Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). It, in fact, has been seen that ADHD has spurred the success of a few sportsmen, like Michael Phelps. Having said that, it is important that we make efforts and ensure that such disorders do not affect the minds of people. Treatment is especially important as bipolar disorder can also lead to substance abuse and in extreme cases untimely death. 

Bipolar Disorder - Can It Be Detected?

Excess of anything is never healthy and the same applies in the case of alcohol. Alcohol experts have come to a conclusion that drinking too much alcohol reduces affects negatively in both the genders.

Alcohol Myth Busted

Since time immemorial, people have considered alcohol to be an aphrodisiac. However, this myth has been busted time and again by the side effects of excessive alcohol. On the contrary, alcohol is known to induce depression after consumption.

Alcohol, if consumed in unnatural quantity over a period of time can turn conditions like 'brewer's droop', which otherwise might be temporary into permanent impotence. Alcohol addiction is a cardinal sin for couples planning on having a baby. Women, whose bodies are much more sensitive and complex than a man's body, react greatly to even a small quantity of alcohol. Even government's guidelines on low-risk alcohol consumption unit do not guarantee no harm, and people are known to have taken much longer time to get pregnant and irregularity in their menstrual cycles even after abiding by the government's guidelines.

What Is Moderation?

No one is asking you to completely cut down on alcohol. But moderation should then be a religion for all the drinkers. Moderate drinking includes no more than 2 drinks per day (US. Centre for Disease Control and Prevention). The explanation is that your liver can act on alcohol at one standard size drink an hour, so heavy drinking means that too much alcohol for the liver to handle and hence unhealthy toxins are released in the body having an adverse effect on the sex life.

Some of the more common problems caused by alcohol in a couple's sex life are:

Long-term erectile dysfunction: The most common of all the problems, erectile dysfunction can most commonly be attributed to heavy drinking. 60% of men who are alcohol addicts are known to be suffering from loss of sexual appetite.

Ruined Families and relationships: Alcohol can be considered one of the biggest inducers of divorce among couples. It makes people less caring and more and more involved in their drinking antics. 90% of domestic violence incidents include alcohol.

Side effects of smoking: Drinking is usually accompanied by cigarettes and a cocktail of these two substances can be a deadly weapon against your sanity. For men below 40, erectile dysfunction primarily happens because of excessive smoking.

STDs: Alcohol consumption helps people shed their inhibition and cases of unprotected sex increases. It increases your chances of actually getting an STD. 50% of all impromptu sexual encounters happen in the presence of alcohol and 60% STD spread when alcohol is also in the picture. Young adults who consume alcohol at an alarming rate are 7 times more likely to indulge in unprotected sexual intercourse.

Hence, we see that alcohol addiction does not compliment healthy sex life and therefore people must toe in line at the right time to ensure the wellbeing of their lifestyle and sexual activities.

Alcohol And Its Effect On Sexual Life

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