Marriages very well might be bonds made in heaven, but for all practical reasons, they remain enacted on earth. When two different people meet, it s the union of two different mind-cultures too. It contains two diverse goals, two different habits of living, dissimilar aspirations & overall different priorities, that needs to be fused to restart a new common journey.

"To know themselves in order to discover the other  is the key here. Most relationships will get strained at some time, resulting in a failure to function optimally and produce self-reinforcing, maladaptive patterns. These patterns may be called "negative interaction cycles".

There are many possible reasons for this, including insecure attachment, ego, arrogance, jealousy, anger, greed, poor communication/understanding or problem-solving, ill health, third parties and so on. Changes in situations like financial state, physical health, and the influence of other family members can have a profound influence on the conduct, responses, and actions of the individuals in a relationship. Marriages require the maximum efforts from both the individuals.

Given the growing concept of individualism and personal independence, people fail to put in or sometimes understand the requirement of working towards their marriage, leaving them searching for an escape route as soon as the going gets tough. Marital issues may lead to major individual psychological problems with each partner trying to hurt the other emotionally as the relationship gets bitter.

Consequently, divorce rates in this country have shown a considerable increase in the past decade. This article should help you figure out some of the ways to save and improve the bond that is marriage while keeping the importance of individualism and personal space in mind-

Teamwork: It is essential for both the individuals to work towards their marriage and show equal commitment. With only one person trying to build a better relationship while the other one shows minimal effort and goes astray reduces the sense of belongingness; eventually leading to estrangement.

Take Responsibility: Apologize when it s your mistake and take responsibility for your actions, instead of going around in a continuous loop of the blame game.

Keep the Spark Alive: Take out time for each other whenever possible. A simple date night once in a while or a weekend getaway with undivided attention to the partner helps to keep the romance alive in long term relationships which more often than not fades away with time, without effort from the partners.

Appreciate: Appreciating the partner s efforts are probably the most important factor in any marriage. It avoids the individual feeling as though he/she has been taken for granted; which is the root cause of most marital problems.

Therapy: Marital therapy is usually beneficial when people are unable to deal with their differences within the marriage. Through marital counselling, you can make thoughtful decisions about rebuilding and strengthening your relationship or going your separate ways. The therapist can help with many specific issues, including communication problems, sexual difficulties, conflicts about child rearing, intrusion from extended family, substance abuse, anger, and infidelity.

Marriage counselling might also be helpful in cases of domestic abuse. In a collectivist society like ours, family therapy is usually used because the families of both partners play a major role in their lives. Family therapy is a type of psychological counselling (psychotherapy) that can help family members improve communication and resolve conflicts.

Marriage - How To Strengthen It?

Can true love happen more than once?

The world revolves around love. Our movies, books, stories, ambitions, desires, anything and everything, is guided by the magical power of love. Shahrukh khan famously said in his movie kuch kuch hota hai, that 'love can only happen once'. Is that true or, can true love happen more than once?

The question occurs more often than not when someone is going through a breakup, or when people wait and stay single, guided by the belief that there is only one perfect person for everyone, who would give them a happily ever after.

Let's see what truth really is.

There is no set algorithm or formula to say how many partners one can actually sustain in a lifetime. That depends on the idea of love individually for different people. Some people after a failed relationship give up the fight, and give up on the idea of love too, thinking that they had gotten once chance, and they blew it. While on the other hand, some people move on from one relationship to another, investing equally in every relationship, and never losing hope on finding their happiness.

The notion of just one love per lifetime may have been imbibed in us by the society that promotes monogamy. Insisting that it is morally correct for a couple to always stand by each other, no matter how incompatible they may be.

But the more pressing reason for the above notion is fear. The fear of falling in love again, and losing at it again, stops many people from even considering that as an option. There is a comfort in thinking that you tried your hand at love, but failed, and thus, never trying again will never let you suffer from the inexplicable pain that the failed love left you with.

However, we as humans, having the ability to connect with our family and friends, are designed to love more than one person in our lives. So it is clear that we are capable of falling in love again. As they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and truly so.

There are many people out there who you will be able to connect with, feel immensely happy around, and feel at home with. The thought that there is only one perfect person for everyone is not just restrictive, but also unhealthy. If you feel too damaged to love again or too scared to love even for the first time, try to look at the feeling logically than emotionally. Try to assess your compatibility with the person; see if your interests match, see what differentiates you both that'll help you both grow; see if you are able to picture a future with them, and so on.

Sometimes our past baggage or our fears clog our judgment. We all deserve second chances in life, and hence, we deserve a second, or even a third or fourth chance at love. So, do not stop at one failed relationship. Go out and seek love again in a person who is able to provide you with a more fulfilling and emotionally satisfying relationship.

If you would like to consult with me privately, please click on 'consult'.

Is Shahrukh correct when he says 'Love can happen only once'?

Every person is familiar with the remark  Stop fidgeting  but does anybody ever wonder why do humans fidget? Is there any scientific reason for such an action? This article will throw light on the underlying causes for what is known as fidgeting.

Fidgeting and its underlying causes

Scientific research has revealed that fidgeting has many benefits still most people get annoyed when they see another person twitching and tapping. Most people do this seemingly without any control over their movement when they are ordered to be still. Research shows that there is at least one biological reason to back this action.
Since the same brain area is used for movement and speech, it is only natural that gestures are interlinked with thorough preparation for a speech. People tend to move their hands more when they are looking for a word to say, but are not being able to find it. In a recent study, it was found that school children between the age of 6-8 years who use their hands a lot can come up with the right answers during lessons.
While this is one theory, another neurological theory suggests that a portion of the mental load is off-loaded through the process of fidgeting when people have to tackle complex problems or thoughts. The theory is called cognitive load hypothesis. The offloading mechanism frees up the mental faculties thus, devoting them to the mental process. While this may not be a definitive explanation for fidgeting, it does go to show that there is a link between a person s hand movements and their thought and speech process.
Other reasons for fidgeting

Other than the cognitive advantages, some evidence has also been found linking fidgeting with metabolism. People who fidget are found to have a higher metabolism and lower BMI. This difference can be seen between thin and overweight people. Fidgeting amidst lollygagging during the day helps burn up to 350 calories a day. Also, fidgeting among other incidental physical activity helps keep an individual fit.
Among other reasons, fidgeting also serves as a coping mechanism for people with ADD. If a person is engaged in something that he/she is not interested in then the additional sensory-motor input that is even slightly stimulating or entertaining helps the brain to get completely engaged. This helps to maintain focus on the actual activity being performed by the individual.
So, fidgeting helps distract that part of the brain that is getting bored. This helps the other parts of the brain focus better on the actual activity. This is known as floating attention which perhaps is an evolutionary trait that dates back to prehistoric times. In those times, the ability to focus entirely on a task with undivided attention was not favorable to the human since doing so could make them unaware of the enormous ravenous beast hiding behind the bushes.
Thus, though there is some degree of understanding is there when it comes to fidgeting, more research studies are required to gain further insight. Consult an expert & get answers to your questions!

Fidgeting - Why Do We Do It?

Procrastination is a way of sabotaging oneself by putting off activities and delaying success. This is an emotional and mental obstacle that many people face in varying degrees. So here is everything you need to know about procrastination.

It becomes a lifestyle: As per medical research, about 20% of the people who procrastinate, have been doing it on a chronic basis and can now safely say that this is a lifestyle and not just a habit that one has fallen prey to.
It is cultivated: Contrary to popular belief, procrastination is not something that anyone is born with. It is cultivated with constant inaction over a period of years, which also includes the act of making excuses to put off a task.
Excessive alcohol consumption: In many cases, procrastinators will end up enjoying higher consumption of alcohol than their contemporaries. This may be done to alleviate boredom before the excessive consumption becomes a habit, which further dulls the senses.
Hiding from the truth: It has been seen that procrastinators often lie to themselves or hide the truth about their problem by making mindless excuses, which do not actually exist. They are chronic liars who come to believe their lies, which can give rise to even more severe behavioural issues.
Distractions: Most people who procrastinate will look for distractions that will keep them from doing their work properly. This may include watching television or eating, or even doing mindless chores that are not important.
Focus: Many of these procrastinators have problems when it comes to focusing and finding solutions for various tasks. They cannot prioritise and put their mind to a certain task, which also prevents them from understanding the requirements for completing that task.
Avoiders: These types of procrastinators usually avoid doing the tasks that will lead them to success. They do not make the effort to carry out the necessary tasks in a proper manner.
Decisional procrastinators: These kind of procrastinators simply cannot find the motivation to take a decision that will change the direction of their lives by putting one step in front of the other on a daily basis.
Cost of procrastination: There is a huge cost that is borne by these kinds of people in the long run. While missing deadlines, losing jobs and not graduating from college are just some of the consequences, many of them also come down with a plethora of health conditions including gastrointestinal diseases.
Therapy for procrastination: The best way to transform a procrastinator is with the help of cognitive behavioural therapy, which can help in reprogramming the brain with fruitful, guided discussions and internal dialogues. This kind of therapy works well in the long run.

10 Things You Must Know About Procrastination

Technology may be a boon for your love life as due to technology a number of means of communication have evolved, which keep you connected with your loved one in the form of devices, software and applications. However, in spite of its benefits, they are plenty of things that come with technology, which can completely ruin your love life. Here are some signs that technology may be creating trouble in your paradise:

You may waste your time checking photos of ex-girlfriends and love interests. You may check out a picture of an ex on her Facebook profile and wonder about a new guy present in the picture. The same may happen with a present lover. These activities create unnecessary complications in your mind which may harm your relationship with your partner.
You end up spending more time with your smartphone than with your partner. This may affect your relationship, as you are too engrossed with checking social media websites and posting updates instead of paying attention to your partner, who is right by your side.
Sexting is a common trend in today's world where the exchanging of nude photos between a couple takes place via messengers and chatting platforms. This can be worrisome as you may always be concerned about your pictures getting leaked or exposed.
You may become technologically clingy. Your partner may have texted you, and you have not been able to reply in spite of reading the text. Modern technology enables a person to see when you have read their message and when there is no response, the speculations creep in. These situation lead to host of other problems.
It is easy to lie about something online or via texting than saying it face to face. Technology allows you to lie and make untrue statements, which are not true in real life. This creates dishonesty within a relationship.
With technology, you have too many options at hand and this makes situations difficult. In case you want to go for a dinner with your partner, you might spend hours searching for a good restaurant by going through the ratings online.
You may spend a lot of time deciphering text messages. Modern day texting is full of abbreviations, short forms and emoticons. Some of these may make you over think stuff, and you may try to decipher meanings from normal texts, which actually have no twisted meaning.
With so many forms of social media, you may be confused about what to use at which stage or phase. You may think whether you should text first, should you add an interest on Facebook and should you comment on a picture. All this creates confusion and honestly there is no real conversation between you and your partner.
There is no doubt that modern technology has taken the level of communication to a new level. Technology plays significant role in keeping in touch with your friends and loved ones sitting thousands of miles away by bringing them close. But it is high time that you realize that technology is something that has driving you away from your loved one. Make an attempt to have some personal conversations without your phones, laptops and tablets. Watch a movie, go on long drives or late night walks and reignite the love and passion in your relationships.

Technology - Is It a Boon or Bane For Your Love Life?

For years I have been practicing as a psychotherapist in different parts of the world and what I have noticed is that no matter what kind of relationship or marriage a couple are in, when they end up in my office it's always for the same reason: they want to be happier, healthier and more-connected even though the issues can vary - money, sex, infidelity, in-laws, children etc.

Despite this each relationship is completely subjective and no clear cut rules can be executed on it, yet following certain guidelines may help proceeding happily in a relationship.

If you are struggling in your relationship (and if you are reading this article there is a big chance you are unless you are one of my friends..or both) you might find it helpful to follow some of these ideas:

1. Love yourself

You must love yourself before you can love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy. Accepting yourself fully as you are and showing yourself this same unconditional love will provide protection, healing, and confidence to work on your shortcomings.

2. Adopt a positive lifestyle

There are many different ways in which you can embrace a more positive lifestyle - practice affirmations, express gratitude, meditation, exercise... just find something that helps you unwind and enjoy life. And most importantly - keep doing these things repeatedly.

3. Empathize with your partner

The ability to empathize is what inhibits us from just going through life doing whatever we want, without any regard for others. It is what makes compromise in a relationship possible. If I realize that something I've done has hurt you (because I can empathize with your pain or unhappiness) I will hesitate to do that again.

4. Take responsibility: Don't try to figure out who's right

When couples come for therapy, one or both tend to think that the primary problem is their partner. Both people co-create the climate of the relationship. And both need to do some things differently to create the marriage or relationship they both really want. If your intention is to create a more positive world for yourself and those around you, it's up to you to have the thoughts, moods, and actions that will create that world.

5. Stay connected

When there is distress in the marriage or relationship, one or both usually feel some emotional disconnection. Frequently, sexual passion diminishes as well. (However, sometimes one partner will try to increase frequency of sex in an effort to feel connected.). And often, people will busy themselves with work or kids instead, or do other things to either try to feel connected or to avoid being alone with the person with whom they feel the pain of disconnection

6. Express thoughts, feelings, and wishes 

Resentment can build when couples sweep things under the rug, so be vulnerable and don't bury negative feelings, but try to express them in a respectful way.

Opening up to your partner can make you feel vulnerable and exposed, but it is the most important part of an intimate relationship. In Daring Greatly, Dr. Brene Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Given this definition, the act of loving someone and allowing them to love you may be the ultimate risk. Love is uncertain. It's risky because there are no guarantees and your partner could stop loving you. Exposing your true feelings may mean that you are at a greater risk for being hurt or criticized.

7. Try new things together

Boredom can be a major obstacle to lasting romantic or companionate love.

Psychological research has suggested that couples who experience the most intense love are the ones who enjoy participating in new or challenging 'self-expanding' activities together.

8. Preserve your independence

Dr Perel, in her popular TED talk explains that neediness and caretaking in long-term partnerships - which can easily result from looking to the partnership for safety, security and stability - damper the erotic spark. But if couples can maintain independence and witness each other participating in individual activities at which they're skilled, they can continue to see their partner in an ever-new light.

If after trying the above you are still struggling with your relationship, make sure you go and see a couple therapist.

Two couples talking in one couple's living room...

One says to the other, 'The work being done on your marriage.. are you having it done or are you doing it yourselves?'



8 Tips To Rev Up Your Relationship With Your Partner

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