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Marriage Counselling Tips

Marital Issues - How To Overcome Them?

Marital Issues - How To Overcome Them?

Marriage is a huge commitment and when you decide to take the plunge, you usher in a new and happy chapter in your life. However, marriage can be a lot of work and you need to put in a lot of effort to make it last. Studies have shown that divorce rates have increased by 54% in the last 10 years due to marital discord.

What are the causes of marital discord?

Not every marriage goes through the same problems; there are a lot of different reasons, which can cause a marriage to fall apart. Some of the probable causes of marital discord are:

• Expectations - Excessive and irrational expectations can put a lot of pressure on your marriage causing you to get irritated with each other and drift apart.

• Hectic work life - A frantic work life can keep you away from your partner for longer periods. It might be understandable initially but with time, it can cause cracks in your relationship.

• Physical intimacy - Physical intimacy and bond plays a huge part in making a marriage complete. Unsatisfactory sex life can take the happiness out of a marriage.

• Controlling nature - If you or your partner is very dominating or controlling, it can make the other person feel trapped in the marriage, which can ultimately lead to marital complications.

Ways to work through a successful marriage:

Despite all the problems plaguing your marriage, do not give up very easily. There are a few things you can do which might help your marriage:

• Express yourself properly - Talk about your problems with each other without resorting to verbal and emotional abuse. Try to address everything in a constructive and understanding manner.

• Focus on the positives - Do not just focus on the negative aspects because that is not fair to your partner. Concentrate on the positive things also, work on them and move forward.

• Identify your own faults - It takes two people to make a marriage work and both of you should put in equal effort. Do not focus solely on your partner’s shortcomings; focus on yours too. This will help you understand where you are going wrong and help you in understanding your partner better.

• Make compromises when needed - Occasional compromises and sacrifices are crucial for maintaining a solid marriage. Putting your partner and their needs first sometimes will make them appreciate you more. This will help you build your marriage into a happy one.

Every marriage goes through difficulties but that does not mean that you will let go of that marriage and your partner. Work through your problems and you will have a stable and lifelong marriage.

1 person found this helpful

11 Things Your Marriage Counsellor Can Help You With!

11 Things Your Marriage Counsellor Can Help You With!

Marriage is perhaps the most important relation in an adult’s life. That’s why it needs extra care and attention, especially when things are not exactly gung ho. This is where marriage or marital therapy comes in.

Marriage counseling is the process of counseling the married couple to recognize and to reconcile or at least manage differences and repeating patterns of stress upon the marital relationship.

Basic practices of marital therapy

  1. The basic practices of marital therapy focus primarily on the process of communicating. Counselors use a method called active listening.
  2. Another method used is called “Cinematic immersion”. Both these methods have one important thing in common- they help counselors create a safe environment where each partner can express feelings and hear the feelings of the other.
  3. Emotionally focused therapy for couples or EFT-C is also used. This is based on attachment theory and uses emotion as an agent of change and target, both.
  4. Behavioral couples’ therapy is another method used. It is actually a proven way out of marital discord. This method focuses on integrating the twin goals of acceptance and change for couples in therapy.

The successful couples usually make concrete changes to accommodate the needs of the partner and also show greater emotional acceptance of the other.

Role of the relationship counselor
A couple therapist is usually someone with a degree in psychiatry or counseling. And her primary role is to listen, understand and facilitate better communication between the couple. The counselor also:

  1. Provides a confidential tete-a tete, which normalizes feelings
  2. Enables each partner to be heard and to hear themselves
  3. Works as a mirror to reflect the marriage’s difficulties to the partners
  4. Outlines the potential and direction for change
  5. Delivers important information
  6. Improves communication
  7. Identifies the repetitive, negative interaction cycle that drives a problematic marriage as a pattern
  8. Understands the source of emotions behind that negative pattern
  9. Re-organizes these key emotional responses to offset the pattern
  10. Creates new patterns of interaction
  11. Increases emotional attachment between partners

When should you seek marital therapy?

  1. When you avoid communicating or your communication has become negative- This usually means bad language, verbal abuse, and sometimes physical abuse.
  2. When you or your partner have sought out other sexual partners – Marital therapy can save a marriage after an affair if both partners want and work out the kinks in their relationship.
  3. Lack of intimacy in the marriage- This is the stage when partners just occupy the same space without communication, or exchange of feelings or touch.

Marriage counseling is a long process. And another thing to remember is that it can’t save a marriage that is unsalvageable. So, go in for marital therapy with an aim to do what’s the best for you and your partner.

2 people found this helpful

Toxic Relationships - Know More About Them!

Toxic Relationships - Know More About Them!

Relations are sweet, emerging, encouraging, and invigorating when there is love in them. Love brings with its feelings of caring for each other and sharing of emotions as well as things. But every relation may not have an element of love. Such relationships don’t last for long and become toxic in some time.

When a person is in a relationship, he/she don’t have any idea of where they are going. Everything seems rosy and the person may get carried away with love. But there may not be any love in the relationship at all. One needs to get rid of such relationships; the sooner the better. It is okay to get stuck in relationships, but if the person thinks that it is not going anywhere, he/she needs to cut it short. There is always a new opportunity at the end of a dark tunnel. But how does one know which relationship is toxic and which is not? Here is a guide on toxic relations.

1. Becoming Aggressive

If the person has seen his/her partner become aggressive at times, but are taking it lightly, think again. The person needs to tell his/her partner that this is not a way to talk. If he/she is still getting more aggressive, the person is no longer comfortable with such partners. One has lost the bond that makes up a relationship. It is better to give it a miss.

2. Engaging in Blame Game

To err is human, but to blame the partner for a fault of one’s own is engaging in a blame game. Jealousy too may have its part in the relationship. However, if one is experiencing excessive jealousy on the part of a lover, it is not okay. It erodes the trust that is paramount in a relation. People don’t have anything to hold on to in this relationship. Let us give it a miss.

3. Criticizing at Every Other Step

Nobody is perfect, but partners need to learn how to live with the imperfections of each other. It helps them to bond better and grow the feeling of love between them. If partners are criticizing every other step, one knows it; the love has gone in thin air. It has become a toxic relationship now. Had it been a positive criticism that helped get a step closer to perfection, one would have loved it. In a toxic relationship, criticism is done to express contempt for the partner, and not otherwise. There is no point sticking to such relations. It may well be a waste of time.

4. Arguing, But Not Communicating

If both the partners are yelling over each other and it is not getting anywhere, then the person is in a toxic relationship. In such a relationship, the persons are not in a state to communicate with each other effectively. The toxic relationship will not offer that person much. Don’t get upset and argue. Rather, cheer up and set on to forge a new relationship.

People may suffer depression, lose their self-confidence, don’t trust other people, or may destroy personality; in such cases, one needs to visit a counsellor. Counselling may help the person to get out of the toxic relationships and move on in life happily and effectively.

1711 people found this helpful

Premarital Compatibility - Know Important Point Of Discussions!

Premarital Compatibility - Know Important Point Of Discussions!

The happiness of finally finding your soul mate and starting a new life altogether with your partner probably leaves you with exhilaration that knows no bounds. Deciding to opt for matrimony, however, takes a lot more than what we’d usually like to barter. Most people blindly enter into civil union without first demarcating their level of compatibility which is precisely why most marriages these days are falling apart. There’s a rather good chance that you might find yourself wondering how things could be any different later since you’re so much in love now. Unfortunately, the instances of marriages where things had started off looking rosy to everyone and ultimately shattered on the grounds of incompatibility are far too many to ignore. 

By discussing your expectations and desires, along with possible areas of conflicting ideologies helps you to understand each other better in the long run so that you may not unnecessarily complicate your relationship. Reflecting exercises generally, go a long way in strengthening the bond and commitment in the long run. It is fatal to expect that, as individuals from possibly different backgrounds and definitely different histories, there is going to be a zero percent space for difference in opinions and ideas. 

In order to ascertain the level of compatibility before marriage, there are a number of things that you can engage in. To begin with, here are a couple of things that need to be looked into beforehand to ensure a long lasting relationship that functions on the solid grounds of mutual understanding and good faith: 

  1. Speak openly about each other’s background and how they were brought up (especially so if it’s an arranged marriage)
  2. Finance and future expectations need to be considered
  3. Expectations pertaining to family life and having children
  4. Your ultimate goals and ambitions, and see to it if they bring you on a point of conflict
  5. Medical complications, if any
  6. Your conceptions about your partner’s family and friends
  7. Social and recreational activities

Premarital counselling is another extremely viable option for newly engaged couples or even the ones who are contemplating marriage. Always remember that there is more to a marriage than just the wedding ceremony and walking down the aisle.
 

1 person found this helpful

Teenage Pregnancy - How To Fight This Menace?

Teenage Pregnancy - How To Fight This Menace?

Poor sex education and awareness can lead to pregnancy in the teenage years, which continues to be a problem that affects almost all countries. In fact, USA is the leader in teen pregnancy with most cases. As per records, about 35% of the girls get pregnant at least once before they reach 20 years of age.
This is a problem for the mother and for the child and is a social menace. Read on to understand a little more on how it affects both.

How it affects the mother:

  1. Teenage pregnancy is a result of negligence and poor awareness in most cases. The chances of habits like smoking, alcohol abuse and drug abuse are quite high in these mothers, which have adverse effects on the fetus during pregnancy. This also means their responsibility in terms of sufficient prenatal care, nutrition, and overall care for themselves and the child would not be optimal.
  2. Higher rates of maternal death: If girls who are less than 15 years of age get pregnant, the death rate is quite high. In addition, there is also poor weight gain, anemia, pregnancy-induced hypertension, STDs. All these can have an effect on the child including low birth weight, vital organ malformations, congenital disorders, respiratory distress, and very high levels of infant mortality.
  3. With the added responsibility of the child, the chances that the teenager would go to school after childbirth and complete education and look into employment are also reduced drastically.
  • Very often, teenage mothers also tend to remain single, as the child is usually born out-of-wedlock and is a result of negligence.
  • The chances of having children later in life is also reduced, given all the changes that she goes through early on in life.
  • Child:
  • As a corollary to the effects on the mother, the first effects include low birth weight, malformation of vital organs, inadequate healthcare, and even very high rates of infant mortality in the first year of life.
  • Other medical conditions like chronic respiratory problems, mental retardation, cerebral palsy, and blindness are very common.
  • There could also be developmental issues like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, dyslexia, and other
  • Given the social circumstances in which they are born, they are more exposed to early motherhood, single parenthood, broken marriages. This affects the regular parenting care that they receive resulting in improper nutrition and healthcare.
  • Again, the poor social set-up also does not ensure sufficient educational opportunities for the child. They may also get into child labor and become easy prey to neglect and abuse.
  • The chances of girls born to teenage mothers themselves becoming teenage mothers is also quite high, leading to a vicious cycle.

Most countries are trying to fight this social menace by involving families, schools, and healthcare professionals, and running social campaigns and programs.

3605 people found this helpful

Marriage Counselling - Why Is It Important?

Marriage Counselling - Why Is It Important?

Marriage is perhaps the most important relation in an adult’s life. That’s why it needs extra care and attention, especially when things are not exactly gung ho. This is where marriage or marital therapy comes in.

Marriage counseling is the process of counseling the married couple to recognize and to reconcile or at least manage differences and repeating patterns of stress upon the marital relationship.

Basic practices of marital therapy

  1. The basic practices of marital therapy focus primarily on the process of communicating. Counselors use a method called active listening.
  2. Another method used is called “Cinematic immersion”. Both these methods have one important thing in common- they help counselors create a safe environment where each partner can express feelings and hear the feelings of the other.
  3. Emotionally focused therapy for couples or EFT-C is also used. This is based on attachment theory and uses emotion as an agent of change and target, both.
  4. Behavioral couples’ therapy is another method used. It is actually a proven way out of marital discord. This method focuses on integrating the twin goals of acceptance and change for couples in therapy.

The successful couples usually make concrete changes to accommodate the needs of the partner and also show greater emotional acceptance of the other.

Role of the relationship counselor:
A couple therapist is usually someone with a degree in psychiatry or counseling. And her primary role is to listen, understand and facilitate better communication between the couple. The counselor also:

  1. Provides a confidential tete-a tete, which normalizes feelings
  2. Enables each partner to be heard and to hear themselves
  3. Works as a mirror to reflect the marriage’s difficulties to the partners
  4. Outlines the potential and direction for change
  5. Delivers important information
  6. Improves communication
  7. Identifies the repetitive, negative interaction cycle that drives a problematic marriage as a pattern
  8. Understands the source of emotions behind that negative pattern
  9. Re-organizes these key emotional responses to offset the pattern
  10. Creates new patterns of interaction
  11. Increases emotional attachment between partners

When should you seek marital therapy?

  1. When you avoid communicating or your communication has become negative- This usually means bad language, verbal abuse, and sometimes physical abuse.
  2. When you or your partner have sought out other sexual partners – Marital therapy can save a marriage after an affair if both partners want and work out the kinks in their relationship.
  3. Lack of intimacy in the marriage- This is the stage when partners just occupy the same space without communication, or exchange of feelings or touch.

Marriage counseling is a long process. And another thing to remember is that it can’t save a marriage that is unsalvageable. So, go in for marital therapy with an aim to do what’s the best for you and your partner.

2497 people found this helpful

Marriage - How To Strengthen It?

Marriage - How To Strengthen It?

Marriages very well might be bonds made in heaven, but for all practical reasons, they remain enacted on earth. When two different people meet, it’s the union of two different mind-cultures too. It contains two diverse goals, two different habits of living, dissimilar aspirations & overall different priorities, that needs to be fused to restart a new common journey.

"To know themselves in order to discover the other” is the key here. Most relationships will get strained at some time, resulting in a failure to function optimally and produce self-reinforcing, maladaptive patterns. These patterns may be called "negative interaction cycles".

There are many possible reasons for this, including insecure attachment, ego, arrogance, jealousy, anger, greed, poor communication/understanding or problem-solving, ill health, third parties and so on. Changes in situations like financial state, physical health, and the influence of other family members can have a profound influence on the conduct, responses, and actions of the individuals in a relationship. Marriages require the maximum efforts from both the individuals.

Given the growing concept of individualism and personal independence, people fail to put in or sometimes understand the requirement of working towards their marriage, leaving them searching for an escape route as soon as the going gets tough. Marital issues may lead to major individual psychological problems with each partner trying to hurt the other emotionally as the relationship gets bitter.

Consequently, divorce rates in this country have shown a considerable increase in the past decade. This article should help you figure out some of the ways to save and improve the bond that is marriage while keeping the importance of individualism and personal space in mind-

  • Teamwork: It is essential for both the individuals to work towards their marriage and show equal commitment. With only one person trying to build a better relationship while the other one shows minimal effort and goes astray reduces the sense of belongingness; eventually leading to estrangement.
  • Take Responsibility: Apologize when it’s your mistake and take responsibility for your actions, instead of going around in a continuous loop of the blame game.
  • Keep the Spark Alive: Take out time for each other whenever possible. A simple date night once in a while or a weekend getaway with undivided attention to the partner helps to keep the romance alive in long term relationships which more often than not fades away with time, without effort from the partners.
  • Appreciate: Appreciating the partner’s efforts are probably the most important factor in any marriage. It avoids the individual feeling as though he/she has been taken for granted; which is the root cause of most marital problems.
  • Therapy: Marital therapy is usually beneficial when people are unable to deal with their differences within the marriage. Through marital counselling, you can make thoughtful decisions about rebuilding and strengthening your relationship or going your separate ways. The therapist can help with many specific issues, including communication problems, sexual difficulties, conflicts about child rearing, intrusion from extended family, substance abuse, anger, and infidelity.
  • Marriage counselling might also be helpful in cases of domestic abuse. In a collectivist society like ours, family therapy is usually used because the families of both partners play a major role in their lives. Family therapy is a type of psychological counselling (psychotherapy) that can help family members improve communication and resolve conflicts.
4017 people found this helpful

Marital Issues - What Can Cause It?

Marital Issues - What Can Cause It?

The institution of marriage is a herculean task; little does it rest on the sanctified rituals and other vows of commitment. Tying of the knot is perhaps symbolic of the several ups and downs a couple faces together. Marriage is challenging precisely because of the myriad problems it entails. What makes a marriage successful is how two loving individuals face and combat each of these issues.

Let us take a look at the common marital issues:-

  1. Money could grab a place between partners- Monetary problems can come in the way of happy living. Monetary constraints can make partners bicker as they lead to severe tension. If making both ends meet is a constant worry or if one individual earns way less than the other, friction in the marriage is but expected.
  2. Relatives and in- laws could irk your bond- Officious relatives, in- laws and other apparent well- wishers can do loads to spoil your marriage. They tend to create differences between husband and wife. There are times when they convey lies between the couple. Their unnecessary curiosity can also dampen your bond.
  3. Domestic responsibilities could also be the issue- Husbands and wives may have arguments and serious fights over issues related to the household; cleaning, washing, buying grocery can trigger disputes within the family. Housework should, therefore, be shared and done by both the partners.
  4. Decisions with regard to rear up children are often problematic- Married couples can behave in bizarre ways when it comes to taking decisions on behalf of their children. A difference in opinion in decision- making can make partners review their choice of one another. They may even doubt their child's secure future in the hands of their partner.
  5. Irregular sex can be a threat to emotional intimacy- Marriage endows a couple with so many duties that they may fail to make love that frequently. Lack of sexual intercourse can create marital problems.
4239 people found this helpful

Couples Therapy - Know Facts About It!

Couples Therapy - Know Facts About It!

Everyone desires to have a partner who can be their strength, a person who can help them sail through when the going gets tough. A perfect, love filled, hassle-free relationship tops the priority list of most people. Of late, the ideal "made for each other" couples have become a thing of the past. Stress, work pressure, the mad rush to be at the pinnacle is taking a serious toll on a person's physical and mental health.       

Many relationships have gone kaput due to irreconcilable differences. At times, the problem is not about infidelity, but compatibility. Love is there, but understanding is long gone. Under such circumstances, a therapist or a marriage counsellor comes as a ray of hope. Couples therapy has been instrumental in getting many relationships back on track.          

Couples therapy cannot miraculously solve the complications and compatibility issues. For a relationship to work, both the partners need to make a conscious and sincere effort. The following tips can go a long way to make couples therapy work.

- No one is born perfect: To err is human. Imperfections will be there. The trick is to create and enjoy small perfect moments out of the imperfections. Do not fall for fairytale love stories. Believe it or not, even fairytale love stories come with their own set of imperfections. Couples therapy amalgamated with this fact can work wonders for your relationship.

- An experienced therapist or counsellor will make the therapy much more effective. Thus, choosing the right therapist becomes a determining factor in the overall success of the therapy.

- A wise man had once said; do not hide anything from your doctor and lawyer. If you want the therapy and your relationship to work, open up to the therapist. Be transparent and honest. To chalk out an effective therapy, the therapist needs to know every detail.

- Couples therapy without the involvement of both partners is meaningless and futile. The partners need to express their point of view. It helps a great deal to ease out the tension and awkwardness between the couple. 

- Couples therapy does not always guarantee 100% success. A lot of factors go into success. A therapist is no magician. This should not demoralise you. Set realistic goals, be patient with the therapy. With time, things will change for the better.

- Be regular with the sessions. Work can wait, but a relationship, once lost, will be gone forever. Give your relationship the time and priority it deserves. A therapist knows what work for your relationship. Both partners should participate in the activities assigned by the therapist. The activities, if practised diligently, will do your relationship, a world of good.  Every relationship goes through a lean phase. Consult a therapist before it spoils your relationship. 
 

3825 people found this helpful

Revisiting Relationships!

Revisiting Relationships!

A man went to a marriage therapist

Man- “Whenever my wife and I fight, she becomes historical.”

Therapist- “You mean she becomes hysterical.”

Man- “No, she becomes historical. She recalls everything I did wrong in the past.”

Do you relate to this man? Do you feel that this is exactly what happens when you have a tiff with your partner?

If yes, then let it be known you are not alone. There are so many couples who feel the same way. Rather every couple faces communication challenges in their relationship.

People have a difference of opinion, a difference in choices, a difference in perceiving things, and the difference in doing things. The basic reason that people differ in so many ways is that they are separate individuals and so they are bound to be different from each other.

When two individuals join in a relationship, they bring their uniqueness with them. Someone rightly pointed out that ‘starting a relationship means learning to deal with another set of problems!!’

Relationships are a bundle of positive and negative emotions. The absence of negative emotions is not an indicator of a loving relationship. Rather it is a sign that something is not right. 

In fact, how couples express and deal with their negative emotions determines the quality of their relationship to a great extent.

All partners have certain expectations from each other. When one partner does not respond or act in the expected way the other partner feels frustrated/ irritated/ angry.

Now the first partner reacts in either way-

1.  He/she brings up the matter and discusses it with the other partner and both together resolve the issue.

2.  He/she suppresses the negative emotions and does not discuss the matter with his/her partner.

3. He/she brings up the issue and to support his/her point, start giving examples from the past and start blaming and judging the other partner like “you always”, “you never.”

  •  The first way is the ideal way.
  • The second way seems like a good way to maintain harmony, but actually, in the long run, may create emotional distance between partners.
  • The last way, as mentioned in the earlier article is one of the horsemen of destruction, which is criticism.

Researchers have found that when one partner starts the argument in a harsh way and criticizes and blames the other partner then the other partner becomes defensive and may emotionally withdraw from the first partner.

If partners learn to complain about the specific behavior of the partner rather than blaming and criticizing the partner then they can effectively deal with their differences.

I know the suggestion is easier said than followed.

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