Anger management: 10 tips to tame your temper
anger: there is a saying "frustration begets anger and anger begets aggression. Direct anger, is expressed toward the object perceived as the cause of the frustration. If a machine does not work, you might hit it or kick it. If someone gets in your way, you could verbally threaten them or push them aside. If the source of the frustration is too powerful or threatening for direct aggression, displaced aggression is often used. The aggression is redirected toward a less threatening and more available object.
An angry person often acts without thinking. The person has given in to the frustration and they have given up restraint. Anger can be a healthy response if it motivates us to positive action but all too often the actions we engage in when angry are destructive. Indeed, if we could see a videotape of ourselves getting angry, the humiliation might well help cure us of anger. When you feel frustration building, you have to practice learned responses that lead to healthy actions instead of destructive ones. Giving up: giving up on a goal can be productive if the goal is truly out of reach. However, more often giving up (quitting or being apathetic) is another form of giving in to frustration. When repeatedly frustrated, people can drop out of school, quit jobs, or move away. Apathy is giving up all of your goals, so you cannot be frustrated by trying to reach them.
We live in a difficult time and we have to be persistent in order to accomplish. Consider how many projects you began, and then gave up, because you became frustrated and lost patience. Make a list of things you started and quit because they seemed too difficult. Now calculate the disappointment and loss you suffered by not dealing with the frustration in a more healthy way. Try to remember that quitters never win, and winners never quit. Losing your temper means you're a quitter.
Loss of confidence: is a terrible frequent side effect of giving up and not fulfilling your goal. A loss of self-confidence and self-esteem, means that if we quit once, then the next time we plan a goal, we may not be able to accurately assess our ability to carry it out and we stop trusting ourselves and our own abilities. This became a self-fulfilling and self-destructive attitude. You need to be able to learn that when the going gets tough, you say to yourself "it is worth it! and by following through, it not only gets the job done, but it builds self-confidence.
Stress: is the "wear and tear" our body and mind experiences as we adjust to the frustrations our continually changing environment. Too frequently, extreme or prolonged frustration and stress strains us and generates distress signals. Our body experiences distress signals in a variety of ways, often in the form of irritability, anger, fatigue anxiety, headache, depression, stomach aches, hypertension, migraines, ulcers, heart attacks, or colitis.
Depression: depression can affect almost every aspect of your life. It affects people of all ages, income, race, and cultures. Depression can affect the way you eat and sleep the way you feel about yourself, the way one thinks about things, and the way you interact with others. While we all feel depression at various appropriate times in our lives, excess or inappropriate depression cannot be easily dismissed or wished away.
Other reactions: abuse of drugs & alcohol is a self-destructive and usually futile attempt at dealing with frustration, as are many eating and weight problems and addictions whenever the immediate effects of the addictive behaviour wear off, users find themselves back in the same, or even worse, frustrating situation. Anger is among the gamut of emotions we exhibit as a reaction to a situation, and it is a 'normal' emotion too as long as it is kept under control. Some people have the propensity to explode when pushed to the extreme. They keep swallowing their emotions until they can finally do it no more, and erupt like a volcano. Others dealing with extreme anger are like a ticking time bomb. You'll never know what you unwittingly say or do can trigger an explosion. In either case, anger that cannot be controlled comes with a physical reaction.
Your heart beats faster preparing you for both action and reaction. Your breathing quickens. You may clench your fist, tighten your shoulders and go into a defensive position. The problem arises out of the fact that it is almost impossible to feel anger and empathy at the same time. An angry person is seldom sensitive to the wellbeing of his victim, and hence may lash out verbally and sometimes physically. Such things are done in the heat of the moment mostly leaves us with regrets. So here are a few ways to deal with extreme anger.
1.Approve it / acknowledge it: the first step in solving a problem is recognizing that you have one. The fundamental problem here is that people believe they are on the right track and refuse to budge from their views. It is essential to realize that this step is not about deciding whether you are right or wrong but acknowledging the fact that your reaction to the situation can be channelled in a better way. When getting someone to acknowledge their anger problem, be careful as to not use negative words like wrong, false and shouldn't. Instead, influence with positive words like can and should. Instead of saying 'you are wrong to react like this' you can say, 'i understand what you are feeling. Is there a way we can resolve this situation?
2.Understand/recognize the signs: once you know that your problems exist, you can try devising ways that will work for you in dealing with the situation. You can count to 100 to calm yourself or simply decide to not speak until you can calm yourself. Knowing that you may enter into an argument in a situation, you can list down the points that you feel strongly about and discuss each of them one by one. Working your way through a finite list gives a better opportunity to reach closure at the end.
3.Free the mind/find ways to let it go: not all arguments end inclosure. A lot of unsaid justifications cloud our mind repeatedly leaving us seething from the inside. Research has shown that the normal or neurological anger response lasts less than two seconds. Beyond that it takes a strong will to stay angry. Once you realize how much your anger is consuming your mind, decide to free your mind with meditation and other calming exercises. Tell yourself that some people and issues simply don't deserve your anger, emotion, reaction or time.
If you or someone you know is suffering from anger management issues, consult a doctor today.
Problemanger is good. It protects you. But intense, uncontrolled anger may destroy valuable relationships. Anger is a result of anxiety and fear. When we assume that our expectations will not be met, we become anxious. When we feel unsure about our own capabilities we become anxious. This anxiety creates fear. Anxiety comes from our beliefs. All beliefs can be modified.
Anger has lots of energy. Avoid arguments/confrontations when you are very angry. When you are very angry you are likely to use rough language which may damage your relations and you are likely to behave impulsively. All this you might regret later on. Following are a few techniques which will help you to manage your anger in difficult situations: 1.Sit down and have a glass of water, slowly. This will help you to calm down a little.
2.Avoid or go away from that room or situation. Tell the people concerned, that you are angry and would like to discuss it some other time.
3.Deep breathing exercises help a lot. Close your eyes, take 10 deep breaths, turn your attention towards your body. See what is happening to your body. Tell your body muscles to relax. If your heart is beating fast, if you are breathing fast, continue deep breathing, till it normalises.
4.Now understand what is making you angry. Understand your own anxiety and fear related to the issue.
5.Let the other person know how you are “feeling”. Start your statements, “i feel hurt/insulted/let down/neglected etc. When you do this”, instead of saying “you hurt/neglect me”. When you express your feeling in this manner, the other person does not feel blamed, which makes the other person more receptive.
6.Focus on the current issue, don’t bring in past situations.
7.Tell the other person, what you want or expect, instead of telling what you do not want. E.g. Instead of saying “i don’t want you to go out now”, say “i would like you to stay at home today”.
8.Listen carefully what the other person wants to tell you. Give others a chance to voice their opinions.
9.Make an eye contact and be firm but polite while communicating your point of view.
10.Understand everyone’s responsibility in the situation. Try to see, what is your share in the problematic situation? Work on that.
11.Understand what change you want.
12.Have realistic expectations from others and also from yourself. If you wish to discuss about any specific, problem you can consult me by clicking consult option frustrationlife is full of frustrations. From the minor irritations of losing something to the major problem of continued failure towards a desired goal. Since many of the things we truly want require a degree of frustration, being able to manage frustration is required in order to allow us to remain happy and positive even in trying circumstances.
Understanding frustration
frustration is an emotion that occurs in situations where a person is blocked from reaching a desired outcome. In general, whenever we reach one of our goals, we feel pleased and whenever we are prevented from reaching our goals, we may succumb to frustration and feel irritable, annoyed and angry. Typically, the more important the goal, the greater the frustration and resultant anger or loss of confidence.
Frustration is not necessarily bad since it can be a useful indicator of the problems in a person's life and, as a result, it can act as a motivator to change. However, when it results in anger, irritability, stress resentment, depression or a spiral downward where we have a feeling of resignation or giving up, frustration can be destructive.
What causes frustration?
Frustration is experienced whenever the results (goals) you are expecting do not seem to fit the effort and action you are applying. Frustration will occur whenever your actions are producing less and fewer results than you think they should.
The frustration we experience can be seen as the result of two types of goal blockage, i.e. Internal and external sources of frustration.
Internal sources of frustration usually involve the disappointment that get when we cannot have what we want as a result of personal real or imagined deficiencies such as a lack of confidence or fear of social situations. Another type of internal frustration results when a person has competing goals that interfere with one another.
The second type of frustration results from external causes that involve conditions outside the person such as physical roadblocks we encounter in life including other people and things that get in the way of our goals. One of the biggest sources of frustration in today's world is the frustration caused by the perception of wasting time. When you're standing in line at a bank, or in traffic, or on the phone, watching your day go by when you have got so much to do, that's one big frustration.
External frustration may be unavoidable. We can try to do something about it, like finding a different route if we are stuck in traffic, or choosing a different restaurant if our first choice is closed, but sometimes there is just nothing we can do about it. It is just the way life is. Our goal in dealing with external sources of frustration is to recognize the wisdom of the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
One can learn that while the situation itself may be upsetting and frustrating, you do not have to be frustrated. Accepting life is one of the secrets of avoiding frustration.
Responses to frustration
some of the "typical" responses to frustration include anger, quitting (burn out or giving up), loss of self-esteem and self-confidence, stress and depression.
Learning to deal with frustration
it is unrealistic to believe you can rid yourself of frustration forever, but you can learn to do things to minimize your frustrations and to make sure you do not engage in unhealthy responses to frustration.
You will need to learn to distinguish between what you hope will happen, what will probably happen, and what actually happened. Life inevitably has its ups and downs -- its moments of relaxation and times of tension. When you learn to truly accept this reality, you come one step closer to being able to deal with frustration in a healthy way.
There are several types of problems that we encounter in everyday living: those which you know can be solved, those which you are not sure if they can be solved or not, those you know are totally out of your control, and those you are so confused about that you do not even know what the problem is. You need to be able to accurately assess your abilities to alter situations that prevent you from solving your problems and reaching your goal. Then you will be able to assess which of the types of problems you have encountered, and you will then be able to develop a realistic plan.
Learning to take things in stride will also help you to be more content and happy which, in turn, will help you to more easily overcome anger and frustration. If you are upset, sad, anxious, or depressed you will have less patience and tolerance for everything and everybody.
Treatment of frustration
frustration and anger are fundamental emotions that everyone experiences from time to time. From a very early age, people learn to express frustration by copying the behaviour they see modelled around them, and by expressing frustration and angry behaviour and seeing what they can get away with.
We all suffer from frustration, and being able to effectively deal with frustration is a very important skill to develop. Each person needs to learn how to control frustration, so that it does not control them. The following is a brief overview of types of frustration management programs and resources that have proved helpful in understanding and controlling frustration and anger.
I have found several approaches to treatment that have been effective for my clients including:
individual and group therapy for anger management.
A therapist who can observe and analyse your behaviour from an impartial perspective, can help you with your reality testing. A therapist knows many effective frustration and anger management strategies and will be able to help you develop a personalized set of strategies for changing both your thinking and behaviour. Depending on your needs, your therapist may work with you on breathing or meditation exercises to reduce frustration, safe and appropriate emotional and physical techniques to release frustration, communication, or cognitive restructuring (a method for disputing and changing the way you think).
Relaxation and exercise
simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help calm down feelings of frustration and anger. Breathing deeply, from your diaphragm, will help while breathing from your chest won't relax you. While breathing, you can slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax, "calm down" or "take it easy. Non-strenuous exercise, like yoga, can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer. Strenuous and vigorous exercise can also help you to work off frustration and angry feelings.
Frustration can have a highly damaging impact on our frame of mind. It can turn a positive person into a person who sees nearly everything as a problem. It can slow you down, inhibit your progress, and at times completely immobilize you. We can become so wound up with our frustration that we do not, and cannot, think or act rationally. Our frustration can often exacerbate a situation and create a vicious circle. If we are convinced that our actions are not working, no matter how hard we try, we are much more likely to reduce, rather than increase, our chances of success.
Remember, you cannot eliminate frustration. In spite of all your efforts, things will happen that will cause you frustration and anger. Life is filled with frustration, pain, loss, and the unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events affect you.
If you feel that your degree of frustration is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counselling to learn how to handle it better. Please contact me privately on this site or another therapist.
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