Dr. Sunil G Malkani

Most of us our always worried sick about our performance in bed, but rather than worrying about it, we should try to invest emotionally in our relationship. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, but it isn't always the case. If you are too preoccupied wondering about your physical appearance and your ability in bed, sex may make you feel more stressed than relaxed. This is known as sexual performance anxiety and can even get to a point where it makes you avoid sex altogether.   

There may be many reasons for performance anxiety. Some of these are:

• Fear that you will not be able to satisfy your partner sexually
• Lack of self confidence and insecurity about your appearances
• Difficulties in your relationship
• The anxiety about not being able to have an orgasm
• A man's fear of premature ejaculation or taking too long to orgasm

Thus this type of anxiety is not rooted in any type of medical problem. Rather than medication, a change in thinking and perception is required to treat performance anxiety.

Here are a few tips that can help you: 

1. Fight stress: Stress in your daily life can spill over to your bedroom as well. This can make sex a chore rather than something to be enjoyed. Recognize your stress triggers and find ways to eliminate them. Regular exercise can be very helpful in reducing stress. 
2. Prolong foreplay: Sex does not have a time limit or there is need to follow a set of steps. Like any other activity, your body needs to 'warm up' for sex as well. Instead of putting pressure on yourself to control or release your orgasm, get into the flow of the moment and take it slow. Try getting intimate with your partner in ways that do not involve sex such as a massage or having a shower together. 

Communicate with your partner: Talk to your partner about how you feel. Understand that it is not necessary to have an orgasm every time you have sex. Talking to your partner can help ease some of the anxiety and improve your relationship. 

Talk to a therapist: Asking for help is not a bad thing or something you need to be ashamed of. Therapists are trained to teach you about how to be more comfortable with your sexuality and can help eliminate the triggers of sexual performance anxiety. 

Give up control: Do not hold yourself responsible for your erections or your partner's orgasms. To a large extent sexual responsiveness is governed by the unconscious mind and hence worrying does nothing. If you wish to discuss about any specific problem, you can ask a free question.