Reinventing Self After Divorce!

Reinventing Yourself after Divorce

“It's over. You've signed the divorce papers, and the relationship you entered with so much hope is officially dissolved.”

Have you just ended a long-term relationship with someone? Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good?

It is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without your partner? Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can and will move on.  Your life is not broken. It's just time for a change. So, 

1. Let yourself mourn.

Nobody gets married thinking, "I sure hope we can get divorced someday!" Even if, by the time you split, the divorce was something you wanted, a divorce still represents a loss. Whatever your marriage and divorce experience has been, there will be emotions that have to do with grief. You may feel remorse for what you did or didn't do, or wonder what you did wrong. Don't dwell on those feelings, but make room for them

2. Work through your feelings.

Don't tote that heavy baggage from your previous relationship into your new life. Find a way to work through the lingering emotions from the demise of your marriage. It may mean talking out your feelings with a therapist or focusing your energy in a healthy activity you enjoy. "It's common to sweep these emotions under the table, but you have to work through them or they'll pollute your life going forward.”

3. Learn to like yourself.

That may sound cheesy and New Age-y. But the fact is that many people feel a lot of self-rejection after a divorce. "You might think that there must be something wrong with you if you couldn't make this relationship work.” You have to work on getting confidence and faith in yourself and ability to believe in your own worth."

4. Rediscover who you used to be.

Especially if you were married for a long time, you may have given up a lot of the things you enjoyed as a single person because they didn't fit with your "couple hood”. “What were your hobbies and activities before the marriage? What did you defer in favor of the relationship?" Exercising your interest in those again is important to rebuilding yourself.

5. Discover a new side of yourself.

The life-changing period of divorce, though often difficult and unwelcome, holds a silver lining: to shake things up and try on a new lifestyle. Maybe it's trying a new sport, considering a different place of worship, or going back to college. Maybe you realize that you'd like to move to a new city. Of course, you can't just flit away and throw caution to the wind. Chances are, you have some very real considerations -- kids (if you're a parent), a job, and a budget (which may have been hurt by the divorce). But chances also are that although you might not be able to do whatever your fantasy is, there may be other changes that ARE within your reach. So don't reject the idea of any change, just because you can't make every change.

As long as the changes you make are healthy and constructive, these are very appropriate. “Think about who you want to be -- the person you were before the marriage, or maybe a new person? What are some of the things you can do differently?" Look for changes you can say yes to, instead of dwelling on what's out of reach.

6. Dare to be alone.

Being alone doesn't mean being isolated and never seeing anyone. It just means not being coupled up, or in a rush to do so. Society is much more accepting of singles than even a decade ago, when solo restaurant diners often got the hairy eyeball. There are more than 30 million people living alone in this country today. "That's a lot of people, and there are a lot of opportunities for social connection. There are possibilities to pick up new friends and enter different kinds of groups that have to do with your interests. The social dimension after a divorce can be very rich."

7. Consider transitional relationships.

This isn't about rebounding. It's about considering dating (once you feel ready) outside your comfort zone -- someone who's not your type -- without thinking that it has to head toward a permanent relationship.

8. Embrace your new roles.

Especially if you were coupled up for a long time, your partner probably handled certain aspects of life while you managed others. Now it's all up to you. And it's not likely to go perfectly, but that's OK. Like If your partner was always the one responsible for the money -- earning it, managing it, investing it – and suddenly now you have a whole new realm of learning and responsibility. Dealing with those can give you confidence in your own ability. You don't have to figure it all out yourself. Look for help. Even if you make mistakes, you can learn from that experience. "Mistakes give you life skills and teach you that you can handle being alone."

In summary:

Divorce is not easy or fun, but realizing you can and will make it through this time of your life is the first step. To survive and thrive after divorce requires support and tools. It is a major transition in your life.