Revisiting Relationships!

A man went to a marriage therapist

Man- “Whenever my wife and I fight, she becomes historical.”

Therapist- “You mean she becomes hysterical.”

Man- “No, she becomes historical. She recalls everything I did wrong in the past.”

Do you relate to this man? Do you feel that this is exactly what happens when you have a tiff with your partner?

If yes, then let it be known you are not alone. There are so many couples who feel the same way. Rather every couple faces communication challenges in their relationship.

People have a difference of opinion, a difference in choices, a difference in perceiving things, and the difference in doing things. The basic reason that people differ in so many ways is that they are separate individuals and so they are bound to be different from each other.

When two individuals join in a relationship, they bring their uniqueness with them. Someone rightly pointed out that ‘starting a relationship means learning to deal with another set of problems!!’

Relationships are a bundle of positive and negative emotions. The absence of negative emotions is not an indicator of a loving relationship. Rather it is a sign that something is not right. 

In fact, how couples express and deal with their negative emotions determines the quality of their relationship to a great extent.

All partners have certain expectations from each other. When one partner does not respond or act in the expected way the other partner feels frustrated/ irritated/ angry.

Now the first partner reacts in either way-

1.  He/she brings up the matter and discusses it with the other partner and both together resolve the issue.

2.  He/she suppresses the negative emotions and does not discuss the matter with his/her partner.

3. He/she brings up the issue and to support his/her point, start giving examples from the past and start blaming and judging the other partner like “you always”, “you never.”

•  The first way is the ideal way.
• The second way seems like a good way to maintain harmony, but actually, in the long run, may create emotional distance between partners.
• The last way, as mentioned in the earlier article is one of the horsemen of destruction, which is criticism.

Researchers have found that when one partner starts the argument in a harsh way and criticizes and blames the other partner then the other partner becomes defensive and may emotionally withdraw from the first partner.

If partners learn to complain about the specific behavior of the partner rather than blaming and criticizing the partner then they can effectively deal with their differences.

I know the suggestion is easier said than followed.