My name is Upasana hai aur mai ek counselling psychologist hun and I am also the founder of Mindscape Centre for Counseling & Psychological Well-Being. Hamara centre malviya nagar, south Delhi me hai. Aaj jis baare mein hum baat karne jaa rahe hain wo hai about communication skills, usually hum dekhte hain hamare environment mein relationships and communications ye 2 aise words hain jinke baare me bohot baat kari jaati hai. Ek insaan ki life mein relationships bohot essential maane jate hain saath hi saath us relationship me jo communication hai uske baare me bhi bohot charcha hoti hai. So we all understand ek relationship ko acche se chalane ke liye communication bohot important hai, but at the same time hame ye bhi dikhta hai ki jitna hum communicate karte hain utne hi hamare arguments aur differences bohot jyada nikal ke aate hain. So ek effective relationship ke liye ek effective communication bohot important hai aur kya techniques hain jo hum use kar sakte hain such that hum apne communications, apne relationships me better kar sake, we are going to talk about that today. I am going to tell you 5 communications skills jo apki life mein, apke relationships mein bohot saare differences la sakti hain.
Out of these 5 skills, 3 are going to be listening skills, hum kehte hain ki kabhi bhi hum jab baat-cheet karte hain it is not about only talking it is also very important ki hum kitne ache se dusre insaan ko sun paa rahe hain aur samajh paa rahe hain. So 3 listening skills I will tell you about today and 2 will be self-expression skills, jisme hum jo baat kar rahe hain use hum kitne acche se jahir kar sakenge. Skill no. 1 is the Disarming technique ye listening skill no. 1 hai. Ye sabse jyada difficult to apply hai, but ye jitni difficult to apply hai usse jyada powerful technique hai that we can use in our relationship. Now what does disarming technique means, it means ki aapke samne aapka kabhi koi friend, koi aapka romantic partner, aapki wife, aapka spouse koi bhi jab aapko koi cheez bolta hai, aapko criticise karta hai ya aapke saath disagreement karta hai, no matter how unreasonable, how irrational, how illogical it might seem to you, it is very important at that time to find out ki wo insaan jo bhi kuch keh rha hai usme kahin na kahin some grain of truth would be there. Kuch na kuch sacchayi jarur hogi in that thing he is saying to you.
It is important that you are able to accept the truth, acknowledge it to the other person and this person will get disarmed, that means if he is attacking you, criticising you with his own weapons, apni talwar lekar yadi wo aapko personally attack kar raha hai, criticise kar raha hai. Hamara ek automatic response hota hai defend karne ka aapni bhi talwar aur dhaal nikal ke apne aap ko protect karne ka. The disarming technique is basically that you are not able to defend yourself, but agree to what the other person is saying, In this process what happens is that this other person also feel accepted, does not feel to attack you further, feels validated and at the same time will be open to your opinion also because kabhi agar koi argument ya disagreement hota hai usme dono ke alag-alag viewpoints hain aur aap agar dusre ke viewpoint ko pehle accept kar lein so this other person will be very okay and acceptable to understand it. I will give you a small, short example of it, aap ghar pahunchte hain aur apki wife kehti hai ki aap hamesha hi late ate ho main to pareshaan ho gyi hun tumhara wait for kar-kar ke, you are always late and I do not like it. Now one is that you can give excuses ki main kaam hi kar raha tha wahan aish to nhi kar rha tha and usse further ek ladayi shuru ho sakti hai.
The first thing you can do is use the disarming technique by saying that I understand ki ye baat sach hai ki mai late hun and tumhara pura haq banta hai gussa hone ka and you can be mad at me I can understand. When you have said that to this other person, the person feel ki us insaan ne respect kiya, acknowledge kra ki haan wo late hai aur mera haq banta hai gussa hone ka. Wahan par hi apne jo dusra insaan angry tha usko calm kar diya hai, usko disarm kar diya hai, now this other person is more than open to understand that where you got stuck because I am sure even the wife understands that if you had not left the office by 5:30 aur agar aap 15 minute bhi late niklenge to shayad ghar pahunchne me aapko jyada late ho jayega. The idea is to take down argument at that moment and de-escalate them versus unko jyada escalate kare. Ab pura right hai aapko bolne ka, ki main ye technique kyun use karun. Kyunki irrational hai, merko us time pe gussa aa rha hai mai nhi disarm kar raha. You might not choose to do it, you might feel you are right to defend yourself, but the more you try to defend yourself wo argument badhti jayegi and it will be of no benefit. If you instead choose to use this technique, you will see the argument gets de-escalated and you will also be able to also able to tell your point of view at the same time your partner is also able to give their point of view. So this technique that is going to help you a lot if you use it, practice it more, the more effective it will become in your life.
Skill no. 2 is the empathy, empathy ka matlab hai ki aapne aap ko ek dusre insaan ki jagah pe rakh ke, uske thoughts ko, uski feelings ko samajhna. So it is very important when someone is talking to us that we are able to empathise. Jab bhi ek conflict hai to dono ki aap agar baat sunenge to dono ki baaton me kuch na kuch apko baat sahi jarur dikhegi, kyunki both of the people’s version is going to be true and correct to some extent or the other, jab aap in that relationship, in that conflict and conversation ek dusre se baat karte hain, to agar aap dusre insaan ke prespective se cheezon ko dekhen, uske saath empathise karein, uske thoughts ke saath, uski feelings ke saath this other person again feels validated and he would feel understood and at the same time will feel better about it. So jaise ki aapke friend ya spouse na aapko bola kuch bhi ki tum hamesha ek hi particular tarike se behave karte ho mujhe bilkul pasand nhi hai ya tumse baat karne ka matlab hai deewar pe apna sar marne wali baat now here again you can get agitated and also you can feel ki aise kaise bol rhe ho tum merko, but at the same time you can also empathise with this person’s thoughts and feelings you can say that I understand ki kuch time se aapko aisa lag rha hai ki mai aapko sun nhi rahi, aapko samajh nhi rahi and i know ki iski wajah se aap frustrated ho please tell me a little more about it so that is again somewhere you are also disarming, somewhere you are trying to understand ki is insaan ki thoughts aur feelings kya hain. Empathise karne ka ek bohot accha tarika jo hum use kar sakte hain wo ye hai ki jo insaan ne hame kuch bola hai usko shayad hum apne shabdon mein paraphrase kar sakte hain, usko out loud wapis bata sakte hain taki dusre insaan ko ye samajh me aye ki that you are also trying to listen to them versus rejecting what they are saying, so when you are empathising with the person it works very nicely when you are listening to them and listening for ki dusra insaan kya soch raha hai, kya mehsoos kar raha hai. Usko jab aap paraphrase karte hain wapis bol ke dekhte hain, the other person also feels all the more better about it.
Skill no. 3 is enquiry. Jo maine aap ko thodi der pehle example mein bataya ki that I understand ki you feel ki mujhse baat karne ka matlab ye ho raha hai ki I come across somebody who is stubborn because mujhse baat karke aapko lag raha hai ki aap deewar pe sar mar rahe ho, so tell me a little more about it is basically asking more questions, asking them in a manner gentle but probing ki aap kya jan na chah rahe ho, aap enquiry kar rahe ho because you want to know what this other person is feeling. When this other person is feeling ki mai actually important hun, I am being cared for, I am being appreciated, my partner wants to listen to me, giving that feeling from that enquiry in itself is helping the person cool down a little. Kyunki mostly hum dekhte hain ki arguments mein jab koi baat hoti hai to wo hamesha in the heat of the moment ya anger mein hoti hain. These listening techniques Disarming, Empathy and enquiry are helping the climate of that relationship at that point of time, helps tone it down a little, so these 3 listening skills if you start applying in your life, in your relationships you will see a lot of changes in how you are effectively communicating and you are much more in control of your relationships and your emotions. Ab baat ati hai self-expression ki, ki hamne baat to sun li dusre insaan ki but hame express karna hai ki how do we express it effectively. Sabse pehli self-expression techniques that I always talk about is “I” statements. Hum jab bhi baat karte hain “you” karke ki tumne aisa kra, tumhari wajah se mujhe gussa aa rha hai, so it is again attacking the other person. Every time you will attack the other person, he will defend and it will take on to be a constant battle which is fruitless. So when you use the I-statements, when you take the responsibility of how you are feeling in the relationship you are not attacking the other person, the other person then does not need to take out his things to defend himself.
To aap agar I-statements use kar rahe ho, aap bol rahe ho ki mujhe bura lag raha hai ya I feel sad aur I feel rejected aur I feel unloved and this is happening, you are not blaming the other person you are taking the responsibility on yourself, the other person is not feeling attacked and that is when he is able to calm down a little because then it is not about him it is about you and then he will be prone to helping you because ultimately aap ek relationship mein hain jisme dusra insaan aapko bhi samajhna chahega and ultimately when we are together we want to be happy, so they will also want to put those kinds of efforts. 2nd Self-expression technique jo hum use karte hain wo hai Stroking wherein we are giving messages out to people which calls appreciation in it aap appreciate kar rahe hain dusre insaan ko, aap positive messages bhej rahe hain. You know in our culture every human being basically chahta hai ki agar wo kisi bhi relationship mein hai, the major purpose we get in to a relationship is because we want to feel cared for, we want to feel loved and we want to feel appreciated. Unfortunately, in the society that we live in there is very less appreciation that happens and a lot of criticism that is always around us like how we are not doing the right thing aur how we are not being the perfect partner aur how we are not being a great co-worker.
When we get into this habit of stroking the other person, stroking means positive messages dena and ye messages repeatedly dete rehna. Wherein you are telling this other person how important is this other person is for you, how important is this relationship is for you it works all the more nicely. So when you make sure that even in that argument you give out that message ki hum dono is time gusse mein hain, hum dono ko is time shayad nahi samajh aa raha hai ek dusre ka point to view, but I know we value and care for each other and we will move through it. When you are giving a positive message like that, that time again you are creating an environment you are giving out a communication that despite the fact that we are disagreeing to what we are talking about despite the fact that I don’t like the way you are doing anything, I am not attacking you as a person. Hamara disagreement hai but iska matlab ye nahi hai that we do not like each other, we do like each other, we do value each other and we have a disagreement and we will work upon it, when we are communicating things like that it becomes much more easier for people to go forward and resolve their conflicts in a much better manner. So these are the basic 5 techniques, disarming technique, empathy, enquiry and I-feel statements that you can use and stroking for effective communication. The more you start using them in your life the more changes you can see in your relationships and for any other relationships related conflicts or troubles that you have you can always get in touch with us at Mindscape Centre for Counseling & Psychological Well-Being.