Know Your Attachment Style that Rules Your Relationship? - Marriage Tips by Counsellor Shivani

Do you know every relationship we hold in our life is governed by our attachment style and it’s our style of attachment (security, anxiety, dismissive etc) that affects everything from our partner selection to how well our relationships progress or how they end?

That is why recognising our attachment pattern can help us understand our strengths and vulnerabilities in a relationship. 

For example, the person with a working model of anxious/preoccupied attachment style feels that in order to get close to someone and have your needs met; you need to be with your partner all the time and get reassurances. To support this perception of reality, they choose someone who is isolated and hard to connect with. Similarly, when there is a secure attachment pattern, a person is confident and self-possessed and is able to easily interact with others, meeting their own and other's need as well.

Delhi's eminent Marriage & Relationship Expert (Counsellor) Shivani Misri Sadhoo shares the different style of attachment that governs every relationship are :-

Secure Attachment Style– Securely attached people tend to be more satisfied in their relationships. A secure adult has a similar relationship with their romantic partner, feels secure and connected while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely.

Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed. They also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled. Their relationship tends, to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other. 

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment –Unlike securely attached couples, people with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling the real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger. They’re frequently looking to their partner to rescue or complete them. Although they’re seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging to their partner, their actions at times, push their partner away.

Even though anxiously attached individuals feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner. 

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state, in which they are afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others.  They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to do so. They can’t just avoid their anxiety and/or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. 

They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go toward others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close with. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others.