How To Support Your Asexual Partner

Talking with Your Partner - Have a discussion. Your partner may tell you they are asexual, or you may figure it out on your own in the relationship. If you’re upset with the level of sexual intimacy or affection in your relationship, it’s best to talk about it together and have a clear understanding of each other’s needs and desires.

• It can be difficult to start this kind of conversation. You can say, “I’ve noticed that we approach sex and affection differently, and it would be helpful to talk about it. It seems like I desire sex more than you do. What do you think?”

• Be gentle in your approach without making accusations or casting blame. Say, “This is something I know is affecting both of us, which is why it feels important to discuss.”

• If you don't know anything about asexuality, that's fine! Explain to your partner in a kind way that you want to genuinely try to understand more.

Speak supportively and non-judgmentally. You may feel frustrated and express your frustration to your partner. However, don’t say things that paint asexuality as a negative thing. Your partner may internalize these statements and feel bad about asexuality.

• Assure your partner that you care and want to understand them. Say things that support your partner and let them know you do not see asexuality as bad.

• Say, “This can be frustrating to me, but I hope you know that I care about you and want to understand you better. I want to support you.” You can also say, “There is nothing wrong with you. I care about you and that’s enough.”

• Avoid saying things like, “Don’t worry, you’ll want to one day” or “It’s just a phase.” Instead, say “I love you the way you are. You don’t need to change for me.”

Listen. Let your partner be the expert on their feelings. Listen and ask questions in a supportive way. Let your partner talk and express himself or herself without you interrupting. While the discussion may begin from a place of anger or frustration, do your best to better understand your partner. Be respectful and challenge any assumptions you may have.

• Practice your active listening skills by restating or summarizing what was said and reflecting the emotions. For example, say, “I hear you saying that you experience sexuality differently from me, and this causes you to feel confused and sometimes a bit sad.”

• Instead of saying, “Why aren’t you attracted to me?” say, “I’d like to know how asexuality affects your feelings toward me.”

• Communicate with each other and make agreements as to how your relationship is going to work.

Express your feelings. While it’s important to listen and hear your partner out, it’s also important for you to express your thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs. Even if your feelings differ from your partner’s, it’s okay to express them. Letting your partner know how you feel is just as important as you listening to your partner discuss how they feel. However, don’t make your partner responsible for your emotions.