I think this is my psychological problem. I'm in deep love with someone. He doesn't understand. I don't feel like living anymore. I want to kill myself. But then when I think about my parents, I control myself. But I'm always in a depression state.
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There is some kind of vulnerability in you to want to die for another person so easily. To make matters worse you say he does not understand. Are you saying he does not really understand or he does want to love you in return?! You must meet with a counselor along with your parents and see if there were any childhood experiences that have contributed to this vulnerability.You are just 20 and life has only begun and you already want to end it! You sound more and more like someone with a serious rejection issue. It has become so bad that I feel you are now rejecting yourself in contemplating suicide! You may be angry about something and because you think that it cannot be expressed, you are turning it inwards. The identity crisis is a typical issue of someone who is dependent on others for acknowledgment and tends to identify with other personalities. You probably suffer from low self-esteem. But far worse than that is my fear that you have this rejection issue, which is compounded with abandonment issues and separation anxiety. The fear of acceptance may then trigger a performance-oriented individual who will depend entirely on other people?s opinion and assessment of himself. This will make you even more vulnerable and susceptible to rejection, and you may hurt very badly and easily at the slightest sign of rejection. There is a way about this, but meet with a counselor first and see what can be worked out to learn to accept yourself first. If you did this you will naturally perform well and will not depend on others, entirely, for their acceptance. If you know of any reason to believe that this rejection is true from your childhood it would help tremendously. Talk to your parents and find out what they remember or you could take them with you to meet with the counselor. If you learn to accept yourself first then the identity may be formed, but the best way to develop an identity is to know your emotions and how to express them. Your feelings are a very good indicator of who you are. A counselor will help you do this well. Depression itself is anger turned inwards. Your life is very, very precious. You would be wasting it if you destroyed it for an undeserving fellow.
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