HI, We got married last December (2014) & ours is a love marriage with parents consent. My wife's age is 21 & myself 25. My wife hardly knows any work, but my mom & I tries to teach every work her very softly. If we show more love & affection and teach politely she turns into non-hearing mode, which means she starts to dominate us & dont learn/work at all. If I start to show some anger she starts to cry & start to learn/work. But I do not want her to have pain while she learn the work. Neither we want to see dominance from her. What is the best way to go forward. We use to love a lot & care for each other before marriage. Still now we love & care each other when things are fine. When things are worst it goes to extreme extent of thinking why did we marry each other. Kindly suggest your opinion. We want to lead a happy life together & forever with my wife learning all the work with out any pain. I cannot see anyone pointing at my wife for not knowing basic house hold activities.

Dr. Saul PereiraPsychologist47yrs exp

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You sound like a very reasonable chap and this girl is blessed that she has found a husband like you. Now this peculiar behavior of your wife may be some of the effects of her upbringing. So do not become too harsh on her, and I like that you do not want her to go through pain to learn all the household chores. So I advise you to sit down and have a talk to her and tell her what you have conveyed to me. If she is spoken to and made to understand where you are coming from I am sure she will be able to comply. Sometimes she may have this fear that once she shows she is capable of doing work that she might be dumped with all the work over time. Now you need to give her that assurance that this will not happen, ever. In the first two years of your marriage there will be a power struggle to establish who wears the pants in the house! There is an establishment of who is the final authority between you two. Of course being in your own house gives you some advantage. However this need not become a struggle if you two play complimentary roles i.e. where she is good you play a supportive role and where you are dominant she has to compliment you. This will remove the power struggle. It is very important to sustain the love you both enjoyed before marriage: never talk about any regret at all and ever. Love needs to be worked upon for the rest of your lives. It is too precious to be dismissed under stressful circumstances so easily. And don?t ever worry about what people will say about your wife: what you say and do about her is important. Love her and share with her your expectations and find out her difficulties and if there is any need to meet with a counselor please do not hesitate to ideally nip these issues in the bud and get on with your lovely life. If it will help you can share this response with her and start the ball rolling. 

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