Continental Hospitals

On the start of Mental Health week (Oct 7-13), I am happy to share my #TEDx Talk about Realities of Mental Health, available now on YouTube. Let's spread more awareness and contribute to a happy society. #mentalhealthawarenessweek #mentalhealth

https://youtu.be/oR2fKgRrC-E

Avantika is a mother of two kids. Her day starts with preparing boxes for her husband and kids. After finishing work at home, she goes to buy vegetables. She then comes home and pays a few bills online. She then irons and folds the clothes. She also has an online business going on for her which she has to take care. She calls her husband to ask whether he could get the clothes which she gave for dry wash at the place that falls on his way home. He immediately replied “I have no time for all this stuff. What do you do at home all day. Can’t you go and get it by yourself?”. Avantika became silent and the next day she went and got them herself.

Sharing work equally between spouses is certainly difficult.

The household works could range across

Household maintenance.
Household chores – preparing food, cleaning etc.
Childcare work – bathing, feeding, etc.
Women spend more time in household chores and childcare compared to men. How can one maintain balance at home when the load increases on the woman and how can she manage the stress arising out of it?

A FEW TIPS FOR WOMEN AND EVERYONE IN GENERAL

Do not be silent and overburden yourself.
If you are silently taking all the load by yourself, your spouse would never realise the quantum of your work.
In the above example, Avantika could have told her husband “Oh yes, I could have got it myself but I have to pick up kids from school and I can’t leave them in the evening as this shop is far away. Your suit is there in it and you need it for the meeting tomorrow, so I asked you to get it.” Being silent will never make the husband realise the importance of the work.
Make a list of the household works.
Against the list, write down the name of the spouse doing the work. The list could be an eyeopener for a few who do no help at all.
Do not discriminate work.
For example, working at office is no bigger work than cooking food at home. Money is not a measure for the quality of work (Refer this article: Stay-At-Home Moms)
Share work with respect to your child.
If the husband is not enthusiastic to share housework even after discussions, at least ask him to play with the child or take him out in the evening after he comes home, instead of doing office work or watching tv, etc.
Always remember rearing a child is not the sole responsibility of the mother.
If living in a joint family and in-laws do not appreciate their son to be sharing household work, then what?
Realise that peace is very important at home and at the in-laws age, it is difficult to make them realise that times have changed.
What you can do is make changes in the kind/ variety of works for the husband
Example – If they have problem with their son making breakfast in the morning, ask your husband to water the plants or dress up the child for school.
Example – If they have problem with their son getting vegetables, ask him to pay the bills every month instead of you paying them.
Do not nag if the husband is not doing work properly.
For example if you ask the husband to fold clothes and he has not done them properly, do not expect him to do it as you do. If you have to reduce your work, let go off some perfectionism.
Listen to music as your work.
Eat well and do not skip your meals just because you have more work.
Work can wait but your body/stomach can not.
Allot a time slot only for yourself.
It could be going to a parlour, temple, aerobics, shopping, talking to a friend etc.
This time, daily should be only for yourself. It could be a one hour slot or more.
Husbands, if you have read till here, this one is for you: Realise that every woman is different and has a capacity of her own.
Never compare your wife with others.
Never expect her to do all the works that your mother used to do.
Nothing comes easily in life. One needs to work hard for it and also realise the people who are working hard for us. Do not take them for granted and respect and share work.

Check out my blog for more http://www.drjyothirmayi.com/wp

When Swapna had come to the office, she had bruises over her neck and hands. Her friend immediately realised that it was physical abuse probably by her husband. But, she kept quiet as she thought questions about the bruises can embarrass Swapna, and she will again relive the pain which would cause her more anxiety. The whole day, though Swapna was sitting near her desk she never mentioned about her bruises.

It happens with most of us, especially when we come across victims of physical abuse wherein the injuries are evident but we hesitate to question them. The reasons could be:

People think that the person can get embarrassed.
People do not know how to start the conversation.
People think that it is their personal life and so they should not intervene.
All of us should help our friends and family, at least those who are victims of physical abuse. But how to help?

Before that we need to first know whether the person is a victim of physical abuse/ domestic violence. One need not be an expert to talk to one suffering from physical abuse. These are some tips –

Ask the person privately.
Victim of abuse can feel embarrassed when things about the abuse are asked in a group of people.
Accept the fact that a victim of physical abuse would probably try to hide the abuse.
The reasons for hiding could be embarrassment, being blamed, not being believed etc.
Show concern while starting the conversation.
In the above case, Swapna’s friend could start the conversation in private by saying “I noticed these bruises on your hand Swapna. I am really concerned about you. Can I help you in any way?”
Or she could also say “I think you are stressed out today, you can talk to me now or another time about it, I will keep it confidential”
A victim will always remember that you offered help though they might not open up immediately.
The first time you offered help and if the person has not told you anything, it is okay. They will definitely remember that you offered help and whenever the stress becomes too much you might be the person they will remember and share their worries with.
Do not feel that by asking your friend might think that it is not your business or she won’t need help.
You lose very little if your friend says that it is not your business but chances are very little that she would say that.
Do not hesitate to show concern and ask for help.
Reinforce to the friend that it is not their fault and at the same time do not overtly scold or bad mouth the partner in front your friend.
Listen patiently without judging and respond supportively like supporting their decisions and trying to tell them that the feelings of anger or guilt, they are experiencing, are normal in their situations.
Believe the person and do not belittle their traumatic experience.
If the person is telling that her husband beats her up quite often, DO NOT SAY “I know your husband, he is not like that, you are mistaken”
People who abuse partners behave differently when in public and when in private, with partners.
Take them seriously if they are fearful about their safety.
At least tell them that “What you said seems definitely dangerous and I am really concerned about you”
You can discuss a safety plan with her in case of an emergency.
Try to offer help appropriately.
Help could be also giving her information regarding social services, legal help, if needed.
If your friend asks you to do something you can do, do it.
If you can’t do or don’t want to, say that to your friend and try to identify other ways where she can seek for help. Later you can see the other ways in which you can help.
For a person being abused, just the fact that someone cares enough to at least ask her about her physical abuse can make her feel wanted and will be supportive. Talking is the best form of therapy.

Managing Temper Tantrums in Children
All children from time to time will cling, shout, throw, resist, complain, argue and do not listen to their parents or teachers. Though they are normal, they can be upsetting to everyone around. They become problematic when they increase in severity, intensity and duration that is typical for the age of the child.
Usually they starts at around 1.5 years age and stay till 4 years of age.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TEMPER TANTRUMS

1.They get angry if they do not get what they want.
2.They want to control their lives.
3.They have not learnt effective skills to get what they want.
4.They learned from parents who show temper outbursts.

HOW TO PREVENT TANTRUMS

1.Praise the child for his/her good behavior
Give extra attention whenever child behaves well. Give him a hug and praise him. For example - when a child has put his shoes in place, instead of ignoring it, acknowledge it and praise him saying “Wow, that’s like a good boy. You put your shoes in the correct place. Wonderful!”

2.Encourage the child to use words.
For example - If he wants something, tell him to use words like ‘i want food/ i want this toy’ instead of screaming.

3.Also see whether they are eating and sleeping well.

4.Identify triggers -
For example, Are they hungry or tired? sometimes even when the parent is busy, a child can throw temper tantrum to gain attention.
After a long day of work, instead of directly going to make dinner, the parent can go give the child a hug and spend some quality time.

5.Give signals before ending an activity
For example - say “You have 5 more minutes before I switch off the TV” instead of switching it off suddenly.

HOW TO HANDLE TEMPER TANTRUMS

1.Remain calm and do not argue with the child - Before managing your child’s behavior you must manage your behavior (sometimes children learn from parents who show anger outbursts and learn to shout and scream). Shouting at the child will worsen the child’s behavior.

2.Think before acting and count till 10 if you are frustrated - and then think about the source of child’s frustration.

3.Come down to the child’s eye level - and say ‘you are starting to become hyper, calm down’

4.Distract the child - by asking them to focus on something else. For example say “let’s read a book or let’s go for a walk”

5.Ignore the tantrum - if it is to draw your attention. After the child becomes calm, show him attention.

6.Hold the child who is out of control - and who can harm him/herself. Tell the child that you will let him or her go only when he or she calms down. Reassure the child that everything will be alright.

7.Hug your child who is crying - and say that you love them but the behavior should change. Reassurance and hugging will always be comforting to the child.

8.Talk to the child after the child has calmed down - Talk to the child about his or her frustration.

Try to teach the child how to interact with a friend or sibling or parent and ask for what he or she wants.
Tell them how to express his or her feelings with words and recognise the feelings of others also without hitting and shouting.
Tell them the better ways to get things that they want.
Tell them that we all have anger within and also tell them how to appropriately express it.

9.Never give in to a tantrum - If you give in once the child will get used to it and his tantrums will increase more.

10.Do not let the tantrum interfere with your relationship - with your child.

Consult a professional if the tantrums are increasing even after 3.5 years of age or if there is self injurious behavior, depression, injuring others, low self esteem etc.

How to reduce negativity and imbibe positive thinking

These are some basic steps that many of us know but forget to think when in emotional distress sometimes. I am collating that for a quick recap.

Thoughts constitute an important part of one’s life. Those thoughts can be favourable or unfavourable. For a few people, those thoughts are unfavourable most of the times. They often keep thinking about the negative outcomes of a work. Their friends and people around them who keep hearing the same will also start wondering if that work can ever be successful. To come out of such situations, it is better to follow a few basic steps.

1. Do not speculate that that something might happen and start looking at the facts. Never come to a conclusion without any proof.

2. If an untoward incident happened in the past, don’t think that it will repeat itself again. For example if you have failed in an exam, it doesn’t mean that you will fail in every aspect of life.

3. Stop worrying about what is not happening and start focussing about what is happening. Many of us have faults in our thought process. Because of that, we tend to forget about the favourable incidents happening and only worry about those that didn’t happen.

4. Don’t spiral any incident out of control. For instance, if you call a friend and if she didn’t answer it, it doesn’t mean for sure that she is not interested in talking to you. If you are thinking like that, it means that you are also worried about petty issues. Inculcate patience. Just leave a message to your friend and forget that incident and start looking at what other better activities to do.

5. Lot of people keep saying that they are not intelligent and that they are not fit for anything. If you think like that, your results will also become the same. So, stop thinking like that and perhaps start thinking that you have some weaknesses and you have other strengths that will make you fit for several other activities. There are no 100% bad or 100% good people in the world. Don’t speculate forever about what your weaknesses are and talk to people around you to understand what they think about you.

6. Emotional thinking in negative circumstances can lead to lowering your self confidence. Instead of generalising that you are unfit, it is perhaps that you are unfit for a certain task or at a certain time only.

7. When problems occur in one’s family, you may think that you are the reason. Instead of blaming yourself, look for a solution and solve the problem. With the outcome, you will feel better.

8. When you hear remarks from someone, do not treat it as untoward attitude towards you. Everyone makes mistakes and you have committed a mistake which is not an anomaly. All that you have to do is to learn from the mistakes and try to not repeat such mistakes in future. It will not help to reminisce about the mistake forever.

It is highly important to realise negativity. Immediately after, think comprehensively about the issue analysing the facts and try to mitigate your negative thoughts. Try to talk to a friend or a family member or a counsellor to help you reduce such ill thoughts.

These are some basic steps that many of us know but forget to think when in emotional distress sometimes. I am collating that for a quick recap.

Thoughts constitute an important part of one’s life. Those thoughts can be favourable or unfavourable. For a few people, those thoughts are unfavourable most of the times. They often keep thinking about the negative outcomes of a work. Their friends and people around them who keep hearing the same will also start wondering if that work can ever be successful. To come out of such situations, it is better to follow a few basic steps.

1. Do not speculate that that something might happen and start looking at the facts. Never come to a conclusion without any proof.

2. If an untoward incident happened in the past, don’t think that it will repeat itself again. For example if you have failed in an exam, it doesn’t mean that you will fail in every aspect of life.

3. Stop worrying about what is not happening and start focussing about what is happening. Many of us have faults in our thought process. Because of that, we tend to forget about the favourable incidents happening and only worry about those that didn’t happen.

4. Don’t spiral any incident out of control. For instance, if you call a friend and if she didn’t answer it, it doesn’t mean for sure that she is not interested in talking to you. If you are thinking like that, it means that you are also worried about petty issues. Inculcate patience. Just leave a message to your friend and forget that incident and start looking at what other better activities to do.

5. Lot of people keep saying that they are not intelligent and that they are not fit for anything. If you think like that, your results will also become the same. So, stop thinking like that and perhaps start thinking that you have some weaknesses and you have other strengths that will make you fit for several other activities. There are no 100% bad or 100% good people in the world. Don’t speculate forever about what your weaknesses are and talk to people around you to understand what they think about you.

6. Emotional thinking in negative circumstances can lead to lowering your self confidence. Instead of generalising that you are unfit, it is perhaps that you are unfit for a certain task or at a certain time only.

7. When problems occur in one’s family, you may think that you are the reason. Instead of blaming yourself, look for a solution and solve the problem. With the outcome, you will feel better.

8. When you hear remarks from someone, do not treat it as untoward attitude towards you. Everyone makes mistakes and you have committed a mistake which is not an anomaly. All that you have to do is to learn from the mistakes and try to not repeat such mistakes in future. It will not help to reminisce about the mistake forever.

It is highly important to realise negativity. Immediately after, think comprehensively about the issue analysing the facts and try to mitigate your negative thoughts. Try to talk to a friend or a family member or a counsellor to help you reduce such ill thoughts.

All children from time to time will cling, shout, throw, resist, complain, argue and do not listen to their parents or teachers. Though they are normal, they can be upsetting to everyone around. They become problematic when they increase in severity, intensity and duration that is typical for the age of the child.
Usually they starts at around 1.5 years age and stay till 4 years of age.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TEMPER TANTRUMS

1.They get angry if they do not get what they want.
2.They want to control their lives.
3.They have not learnt effective skills to get what they want.
4.They learned from parents who show temper outbursts.

HOW TO PREVENT TANTRUMS

1.Praise the child for his/her good behavior
Give extra attention whenever child behaves well. Give him a hug and praise him. For example - when a child has put his shoes in place, instead of ignoring it, acknowledge it and praise him saying “Wow, that’s like a good boy. You put your shoes in the correct place. Wonderful!”

2.Encourage the child to use words.
For example - If he wants something, tell him to use words like ‘i want food/ i want this toy’ instead of screaming.

3.Also see whether they are eating and sleeping well.

4.Identify triggers -
For example, Are they hungry or tired? sometimes even when the parent is busy, a child can throw temper tantrum to gain attention.
After a long day of work, instead of directly going to make dinner, the parent can go give the child a hug and spend some quality time.

5.Give signals before ending an activity
For example - say “You have 5 more minutes before I switch off the TV” instead of switching it off suddenly.

HOW TO HANDLE TEMPER TANTRUMS

1.Remain calm and do not argue with the child - Before managing your child’s behavior you must manage your behavior (sometimes children learn from parents who show anger outbursts and learn to shout and scream). Shouting at the child will worsen the child’s behavior.

2.Think before acting and count till 10 if you are frustrated - and then think about the source of child’s frustration.

3.Come down to the child’s eye level - and say ‘you are starting to become hyper, calm down’

4.Distract the child - by asking them to focus on something else. For example say “let’s read a book or let’s go for a walk”

5.Ignore the tantrum - if it is to draw your attention. After the child becomes calm, show him attention.

6.Hold the child who is out of control - and who can harm him/herself. Tell the child that you will let him or her go only when he or she calms down. Reassure the child that everything will be alright.

7.Hug your child who is crying - and say that you love them but the behavior should change. Reassurance and hugging will always be comforting to the child.

8.Talk to the child after the child has calmed down - Talk to the child about his or her frustration.

Try to teach the child how to interact with a friend or sibling or parent and ask for what he or she wants.
Tell them how to express his or her feelings with words and recognise the feelings of others also without hitting and shouting.
Tell them the better ways to get things that they want.
Tell them that we all have anger within and also tell them how to appropriately express it.

9.Never give in to a tantrum - If you give in once the child will get used to it and his tantrums will increase more.

10.Do not let the tantrum interfere with your relationship - with your child.

Consult a professional if the tantrums are increasing even after 3.5 years of age or if there is self injurious behavior, depression, injuring others, low self esteem etc.