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Ms. Mrs. Chaitra Mahesh

Psychologist, Bangalore

Ms. Mrs. Chaitra Mahesh Psychologist, Bangalore
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My experience is coupled with genuine concern for my patients. All of my staff is dedicated to your comfort and prompt attention as well....more
My experience is coupled with genuine concern for my patients. All of my staff is dedicated to your comfort and prompt attention as well.
More about Ms. Mrs. Chaitra Mahesh
Ms. Mrs. Chaitra Mahesh is a popular Psychologist in Jayanagar, Bangalore. She is currently practising at One Step Forward in Jayanagar, Bangalore. Book an appointment online with Ms. Mrs. Chaitra Mahesh on Lybrate.com.

Find numerous Psychologists in India from the comfort of your home on Lybrate.com. You will find Psychologists with more than 36 years of experience on Lybrate.com. You can find Psychologists online in Bangalore and from across India. View the profile of medical specialists and their reviews from other patients to make an informed decision.

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I always get negative thoughts. I try hard to stop but I can't. I am unable to work properly with this problem. Please help!

Ph. D - Psychology, Professional Certified Coach
Psychologist, Ahmedabad
I always get negative thoughts. I try hard to stop but I can't. I am unable to work properly with this problem. Pleas...
Our mind could be wired to switch back to positive things and resilience building. When things does not happen as we wish or people do not behave as we expect that is when out of disappointment, frustration, loneliness, anger, sadness. Etc we react and our mind starts thinking negative thoughts. Changing this pattern of responding to stressful situation requires both persistence and patience. Also you will only be able to work on this out of love and kindness towards you. Strong motivation will go a long way. Writing a statement about how would you want to respond in a similar situation and how will your life and your happiness will change if you do learn to manage your stress and how to respond to it. Once that is clear. Try following things to learn relaxation response which leads to better coping mechanism on a daily basis. To begin with doing guided progressive muscular relaxation before sleeping will help you relax. You could google and download an audio file. I would also suggest you to take a multiple small break to take 3 nice and deep breath while keeping your eyes closed. You could do this while sitting or standing or while even walking or climbing stairs (keep your eyes open in that case). When you take a nice and deep break there is actual physiological change in your body. This will help you to activate parasympathetic nervous system which promotes relaxation and helps you calm down and think more clearly. This will also actually improve your performance in your work. Along with this exercise is one of the best way to relive stress and stay fit. Engage in any kind of physical activity at least 4 times a week. This also helps in stress reduction. Along with this some relaxation exercises as well as engaging in joyful activities such as music, singing, dancing, reading, being in nature, gardening, talking with friends or anything which you enjoy will help reducing stress and rejuvenation of your mind and body. Have good routine for sleep and eating. Lot of research has now proven that sugar is very harmful for our health. Reduce sugar and refined white floor in your diet as much as you could. Along with this also increase consumption of raw vegetables in the form of salad in both the meals of your day. As a positive psychologist and a certified life and wellness coach hope this helps. Wishing you very best.
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I am very shy to talk with persons, who are known by me. I can talk with other persons freely, but not with my persons. Even I am not able to walk and feeling shy in front of any of my friends group. Suggest me. Please.

Reparenting Technique, BA, BEd
Psychologist, Bangalore
I am very shy to talk with persons, who are known by me.
I can talk with other persons freely, but not with my person...
You may be an introvert. This is a problem of fearing people for what they think about you, especially the ones who know you best. Yes, people will often judge you but that is not the final word. When we try to read other people’s mind we will always think that they know the worst things about you, that your flaws are easily visible, and then you feel self-conscious and guilty. This is all far from the truth. People do not know you, even if they are married to you for many years! In fact, you do not know yourself for many years and may go to your grave with a minimum understanding of yourself. So, face people with confidence, knowing that they are the least knowledgeable about you. Sometimes, your family may not have socialized much and that can also give you a disadvantage about mixing and meeting people. This can be unlearned and you can make a new beginning and easily become a social butterfly. Many people have hesitations about social situations and are in the same boat: you have a lot of company. The bottom line is that you have afraid: deal with your fear and people will seem different, and not so threatening. This ability is a natural ability in all of us. If it was not stimulated early in your life, now is not too late. We are all gregarious by nature, and need each other, to the extent that we are all interdependent. I recommend that you attend a personality development course, attend the Toastmasters Club, and meet people by attending conferences, seminars, workshops, meetings, and social clubs. In time, this anxiety will dissipate and disappear, completely.
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My father is 84 year old, he is staying with me from 2013 after my mother's death. Before that he with with my elder brother family where they had dispute. My elder brother expired in march 2015, .now my father always in fighting mood, make argument ,on use of only one toilet, bathroom, we are all 5 in family, he want to stay in old age home. Please help.

C.S.C, D.C.H, M.B.B.S
General Physician,
My father is 84 year old, he is staying with me from 2013 after my mother's death. Before that he with with my elder ...
Well, he is depressed due to loss of wife, old age and other matters. If he cannot live with you, you discuss the possibility of putting him in old age home and bring him every week to keep his mood up
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How to improve concentration on anything I am not able to concentrate on any thing what to do I am feeling so lazy.

BHMS
Homeopath, Faridabad
Hi. Homoeopathic medicines are very effective for increasing concentration and if done with yoga, will give you great results! But practice the following poses if you don’t have any medical condition or pregnancy or else take an advice from your concern doctor and then only perform these. 1.Shashankasana: Sit in Vajrasana with hands on the thighs. The upper body is straight and relaxed. Inhaling raise both arms above the head. Exhaling keep the back straight and bend upper body and arms forward from the hips, until arms and forehead touch the floor. The buttocks remain on the heels. Breathing normally remain in this position for a while. Relax the whole body, especially the shoulders, neck and back. Inhaling keep the back straight and raise the upper body and arms. Exhaling return to the starting position. Practice the exercise 3 times in total. Remain bending forward for sometime and consciously perceive the movement of the breath on the spine. 2.Virasana: Sit in Vajrasana. Hands rest on the thighs and the body is relaxed. Bring the left foot beside the right knee with the sole of the foot flat on the floor. Place the left elbow on the left knee and rest the chin in the hand. Right hand rests on the right thigh. Tuck the toes of the right foot under. The right knee remains in contact with the floor. Transfer the weight onto the right heel. Concentrate on a fixed point in front. Breathing normally remain in this position for as long as comfortable. Return to the starting position. Repeat on the other side. 3.Sit in Vajrasana. Body is straight and hands rest on the thighs. Relax the whole body. Inhaling stretch the arms above the head, then bring them behind the back and grasp the left wrist with the right hand. Exhaling bend the body forward from the hips, keeping the back straight, until the forehead touches the floor. The buttocks remain on the heels. Breathing normally concentrate on the whole body and relax. Remain in this position for as long as comfortable. Inhaling slowly bring the body upright. At the same time stretch the arms above the head. Exhaling return to the starting position. Medication: Take homoeopathic medicine - Anacardium 200/ once daily.
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How to be confident create or sense of humor sharpen the mind overcome the fear to talk to anyone and beat the shyness nature always live alone nature Is it some kind of problem if it's then how to confront all of these to create new person who is perfect in all this is anyone help me in this.

DHMS (Hons.)
Homeopath, Patna
How to be confident create or sense of humor sharpen the mind overcome the fear to talk to anyone and beat the shynes...
Hello, Lybrate user, This is condition caused by social anxiety/ phobia. Your are over weight more than 40 kg which creats a condition of depression to go among your friends being obeqsed. You need to reduce your weight by 40 kg to over come all sorts of your problem. - can be reduced, by opting-certain natural-norms in life & taking ,meal, judiciously. * Go for a brisk walk in d morning / evening at least 10 000, steps 45 mnts to restore blood circulation to nourish d whole body. * Tk, 3/4 litres of water, free from conteminents to eliminate toxins and to regulate metabolism to burn fats cell & prevent constipation. Go for meditation to reduce your stress and to nourish cell& tissues to curb fats cells, improving haemoglobin level in blood. * go for either, cycling, jogging, swimming, skipping, gardening, playing badminton, dancing,regularly. * opt staircase, instead of a lift in your office. * Tk, oats with green tea or, 1 slice of whole grain bread with 1 cup of cooked vegetable soup + 1 fruit (pomegranate, pear) in d breakfast. * Tk, salad, fruits,sprouts in ample qty in lunch, your meal b preferably, vegetarian ,high in proteins and fibre, maintains 1300-1600 calories through dietary regulation. * consume salad, fruits (not juice) whenever you feel hungry. * Avoid, nicotine,coffee, alcohol,junk food, cookies, burger,pizza ,butter, ghee,sitting on computer late in d night. # Homoeo medicines which r administered gently ,acts rapidly without any adverse effect, thereof. @ Phyto berryQ -10 drops, thrice, with little lukewarm water before each meal * Your feedback will highly b appreciated for further follow up, please. Tk, care.
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Meri gf or me 3 sal se relationship me h mene usko kbhi touch nhi kiya pr wo ab kisi dusre ladke ki taraf attract ho rhi h eisa lgta h . Kya girls ke sath sex nhi krte to wo chhodkr chli jati h kya ya fir sex karne se gf dhokha nhi deti please help me.

B.A PSYCHOLOGY HONOURS, M.A PSYCHOLOGY, M.Phil - Psychology, PhD PSYCHOLOGY
Psychologist, Delhi
What is most important is a secure, loving meaningful relationship. Sex is secondary. If your good behaviour- i. E. You never took advantage - could not keep her, sex would not matter. So, concentrate on being a good person, earn respect and money, girls will be attracted to your standing.
1 person found this helpful
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I'm not able to remember what I'm reading for a long time. Tell me something so that I remember it for a long time.

Reparenting Technique, BA, BEd
Psychologist, Bangalore
Daily exercise of at least half an hour is a must. Even if you go to a gym, ask for aerobic and/or callisthenic exercises with whatever else you are doing. A healthy body harbors a healthy mind. With regard to memory, it is very important that your brain and body is ideally rested to be able to recall whatever is required, rather comfortably. Puzzles pose problems to the brain that help it to use new pathways and neurons, which give the brain considerable exercise. It taxes the left brain to use logic to solve the myriad possibilities which other activities do not stimulate. Crosswords are excellent for vocabulary learning and use. Jigsaws and Rubik cube stimulate different permutations to finally settle on the most likely one. Picture completion and anagrams help approach problem-solving from several angles. Do Sudoku, and memory co-relation activities and skills. Have a good night’s sleep, have a good breakfast of more proteins, meditate often, remain free of stress, eat a lot of fiber (whole grains, fruits and vegetables), nuts, avocado, eat dark chocolate, consume less of fat and use olive oil instead, do Yoga meditation exercises, etc. You need to check out if you are stronger visual or auditory. The visual is a better mode than the auditory. However, if you combine the two modes, you will get the best concentration. Have a special place of learning, which should be well lit, with soft painted walls, well-ventilated, with no distractions. When you get bored, study by writing. If you repeat learning, at least, five to seven times, you will apparently remember for a longer time. Sit comfortably but do not slouch. The reading material should be of a fairly large print. Study at small intervals of about 40 minutes and then take a break or change the subject. Short-term memory is a faculty of the left brain, and long-term memory is a feature of the right brain. When people are stressed, they tend to favor the right brain and abandon the left brain, where short-term memory resides. So, it is really very simple: deal with the stress and activate left brain functions. Here are a few suggestions to activate left brain function: shut your left nostril and breathe, move your eyes from right to left and vice versa for at least half a minute at a time, and do callisthenic exercises with some form of counting, regularly. There is a new exercise called Super Brain Yoga, which is done by holding the right earlobe with your left thumb and index finger, and the left earlobe with your right hand’s thumb and index finger. In this position, you must squat down and rise up and do this for five minutes every day. There is some memory enhancing techniques and study methods that your teacher will be able to guide you with. If your home life is full of distractions and stress, it is likely to affect your memory, adversely. In that case, I suggest that the family goes for counseling too. The following foods do help too: Blueberries, walnuts, turmeric, Spinach, tomatoes, broccoli, acorn squash, green tea, oily fish, boiled egg, turkey, apples, oatmeal, leafy greens, lentils, pumpkin seeds, avocado, cinnamon, thyme, sunflower seeds, and red wine. Avoid sugar and junk food.
75 people found this helpful
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I lost my friend in an accident now I am very depressed please give me some suggestions.

Ph. D - Psychology, Professional Certified Coach
Psychologist, Ahmedabad
I lost my friend in an accident now I am very depressed please give me some suggestions.
Loosing someone close is very tough emotionally. Sometimes persistent grief leads to depression as it causes constant stress response in your body. You may want to see a psychologist or a counselor for few weeks to break the thought pattern that you are having right now and begin a positive pattern. I would also advice to try following things as you are young and stress is present in our daily life these days. Building resilience will go a long way and help you cope up with many life circumstances. Building your resilience will also help you manage your stress and help in depression. Try following things to learn relaxation response which leads to better coping mechanism on a daily basis. To begin with doing guided progressive muscular relaxation before sleeping will help you relax. You could google and download an audio file. I would also suggest you to take a multiple small break to take 3 nice and deep breath while keeping your eyes closed. You could do this while sitting or standing or while even walking or climbing stairs (keep your eyes open in that case). When you take a nice and deep break there is actual physiological change in your body. This will help you to activate parasympathetic nervous system which promotes relaxation and helps you calm down and think more clearly. This will also actually improve your performance in your work. Along with this exercise is one of the best way to relive stress and stay fit. Engage in any kind of physical activity at least 4 times a week. This also helps in stress reduction. Along with this some relaxation exercises as well as engaging in joyful activities such as music, singing, dancing, reading, being in nature, gardening, talking with friends or anything which you enjoy will help reducing stress and rejuvenation of your mind and body. Have good routine for sleep and eating. Lot of research has now proven that sugar is very harmful for our health. Reduce sugar and refined white floor in your diet as much as you could. Along with this also increase consumption of raw vegetables in the form of salad in both the meals of your day. Hope this helps. Wishing you very best.
You found this helpful
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How to quit a person smoke? It can be possible any medicine make control on smoking habits?

Reparenting Technique, BA, BEd
Psychologist, Bangalore
You can meet with a doctor who will prescribe medications to help you with the craving and to reduce the withdrawal symptoms. To quit do the following: When quitting, you must take one day at a time. If you look too far ahead you will get discouraged and will give up. If you sit and count the number of days you have given up, that will also focus too much on achievement. You must focus on the here and now, on that day to be precise. After all quitting is not that easy due to many factors. So even if you fail one day, you must try and try again. Very few people succeed in their first attempt. Your persistence will eventually pay off. The urge to discontinue is hampered by many factors but the worst of them is the conditioning. In fact these conditions can exist all through the day unlike other addictions. But your desire to want to stop is the most important factor. It is important to find out about the ill-effects of smoking to have a reason that alarms you about continuing in the habit. The information is really scary but true and you must remind yourself about this every day. The nicotine in tobacco smoke stimulates the heart beat to raise the blood pressure in no time at all. So you must avoid it like the plague: it is just very bad medicine for you. In fact it is highly toxic too. You will need to stop smoking or consuming any tobacco related items with immediate effect. You should start vigorous exercises, gradually increasing it over a period of time. Do deep breathing exercises every time you feel like smoking (try Yoga), and replace the oral urge with some healthy food substitute to satiate the need. You may also take hard candy or chewing gum. If the urge is too strong, then use nicotine chewing gum or nicotine patches, for a little while until the smoking drive reduces, substantially. You may also join Smokers Anonymous in your city where the support is really extraordinary for like-minded people who are also in the same situation. Keep yourself occupied or engaged with interesting activities during the times when it is most tempting. Keep the company of non-smokers for some time i.e. at least for the first 21 days. Above all announce it to everyone that you have quit smoking. Here’s a piece of very good advice: even if you accidentally/willfully take a cigarette, it is not the end of the world – you can start the cessation all over again. You must persevere with the best support until you defeat this addiction. Counseling is very useful in the initial stages and when temptations are at their highest.
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Hi, I am getting my memory loss. So suggest me the good treatment for me thanks.

PhD (Psychology), MSc Psychology, MS
Psychologist,
Dear, at your age, memory problems like amnesia are not common. Many young people are having problems with memory. These problems are either they are too busy or due to anxiety and stress. Busy people use organizers or employ a personal assistant because they can't remember every task. You need to understand this. If you still say, you are having memory problems, we need to check your memory using memory test. If you want more of my help in this regard, please contact me. Take care.
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How to cure loss of memory. I am 52 years old and very forgetful. Please prescribe some medicines.

C.S.C, D.C.H, M.B.B.S
General Physician,
Strategies for Remembering 1. Become interested in what you're learning. We're all better remembering what interests us. Few people, for example, have a difficult time remembering the names of people they find attractive. If you're not intrinsically interested in what you're learning or trying to remember, you must find a way to become so. 2. Find a way to leverage your visual memory. You'll be surprised by how much more this will enable you to remember. For example, imagine you're at a party and are introduced to five people in quick succession. How can you quickly memorize their names? Pick out a single defining visual characteristic of each person and connect it to a visual representation of their name, preferably through an action of some kind. Remember: Memory is predominantly visual. 3. Create a mental memory tree. If you're trying to memorize a large number of facts, find a way to relate them in your mind visually with a memory tree. Construct big branches first, then leaves. Branches and leaves should carry labels that are personally meaningful to you in some way, and the organization of the facts ("leaves") should be logical.. 4. Associate what you're trying to learn with what you already know. It seems the more mental connections we have to a piece of information, the more successful we'll be in remembering it. This is why using mnemonics. Write out the items to be memorized over and over and over. 5. When reading for retention, summarize each paragraph in the margin. This requires you to think about what you're reading, recycle it, and teach it to yourself again. Even take the concepts you're learning and reason forward with them; apply them to imagined novel situations, which creates more neural connections to reinforce the memory. 6. Do most of your studying in the afternoon. Though you may identify yourself as a "morning person" or "evening person" at least one Study. suggests your ability to memorize isn't influenced as much by what time of day you perceive yourself to be most alert but by the time of day you actually study—afternoon appearing to be the best. 7. Get adequate sleep to consolidate and retain memories. Not just at night after you've studied but the day, you study as well. Far better to do this than to stay up cramming all night for an exam.
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How to tackle with stress?

PhD (Psychology), MSc Psychology, MS
Psychologist,
Dear, At the age of 17, the only stress you could have is related to education. Such stress is due to lack of proper understanding. Such stress will be there and you can't avoid it. YOU HAVE TO STUDY. But you can make it enjoyable and stress free. Learn effecting learning strategies. You may post a private question to me.
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I am 23 years old. from past 10-15 days I am suffering from dizziness in the head. I am not able to concentrate on my studies. When I try to study I am not able to memorize things. And also I have noticed that I oftenly forget things to do. Please tell me what to do. Also I am feeling weakness in my body.

BASM, MD, MS (Counseling & Psychotherapy), MSc - Psychology, Certificate in Clinical psychology of children and Young People, Certificate in Psychological First Aid, Certificate in Positive Psychology
Psychologist, Palakkad
Dear, you must be able to understand concentration, attention span, recollection and distraction. If you are able to watch a movie for two hours continuously, if you are able to play a game for an hour, then you do not have any concentration problems. You can't be attentive towards your studies because you are not interested in it. You are able to watch movie and play game because you are interested in it. Human cannot be attentive towards anything for more than 10 minutes. Then you should study in such a way that your attention is continued and make the subjects are interesting to you. Effective learning techniques should help you. Recollection depends on anxiety, stress and other physical and circumstantial factors. Distractions while studying are plentiful. You should be able to overcome distractions or avoid distractions. Please understand the above. Change your study style and attitude accordingly. Please post a private question to me and I will help you with" effective learning" techniques. Take care.
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I suffering from depression. Give me any advice.

MD - Psychiatry, MBBS
Psychiatrist,
You need to be more detailed about your problem as to how long and what are the symptoms etc to give an advise.
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I cant stop negative thoughts.Please do help.

D.C.A.H, F.C.G.P., P.G.D.I.H, F.I.C.A. (USA), M.B.B.S.
Psychiatrist,
This is all stress and worries of life, u are having insecurities and fear. Just relax. Ask yourself what bothers you? have a positive self-talk, and learn what are those things you don' t like. You need to accept your self and move on. You need to take care of your lifestyle and learn to be happy. If you cant do it yourself, meet a life coach/ stress management super-specialist like me. Once you open your heart out, u will feel free and begin to fly in life.
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I am feeling depressed due to lost my husband please help me, it's about 10 months and my husband suddenly due to acute heart attack.

Diploma in Obstetrics & Gynaecology, MBBS
General Physician, Delhi
I am feeling depressed due to lost my husband please help me, it's about 10 months and my husband suddenly due to acu...
I feel sad for you, sudden loss of life partner is always more difficult to bear. Hope both of you have fulfilled your duties like education of children ans settled them as individuals, if not you will have to complete this responsibility as a single parent now. Time is a great healer and within 10 months, you must have sorted out the basics like finance and a secure shelter. Time is a great healer, if you have support of your family, you can come out of the shock and start'living' again. If there is no family support, be your own help, keep busy with work, education and skills you have, share with others, besides earning some money, you will develop self confidence plus a will to live. But no drugs or tranquillisers, even for temporary relief to fall asleep. Take care of your basic health by eating healthy, go for long walks as they are the basic exercise cum meditation. Good luck.
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I am 55 years male and suffering from depression due to excessive guilt last 20 years. I am on allopathic treatment from last 15 years and presently taking lamitor OD 200 mg, zovane 40 mg, clonil 25 mg, qutipin 25 mg sizdon .5 mg but I am not feeling that I am completely free from the depression.

Masters in Clinical Psychology & Certified Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Practioner, Certified Neuro linguistic programming Practioner, Masters in Clinical Psychology, Post Graduate Diploma in Child and ADolescent Counselling
Psychologist, Pune
I am 55 years male and suffering from depression due to excessive guilt last 20 years. I am on allopathic treatment f...
Guilt is good. Yes! Guilt actually encourages people to have more empathy for others, to take corrective action, and to improve themselves. Self-forgiveness following guilt is essential to esteem, which is key to enjoyment of life and relationships. Yet, for many, self-acceptance remains elusive because of unhealthy guilt – sometimes for decades or a lifetime. Guilt may be an unrelenting source of pain. You might hold a belief that you should feel guilty and condemn yourself – not once, but over and over – or guilt may simmer in your unconscious. Either way, this kind of guilt is insidious and self-destructive and can sabotage your goals. Guilt causes anger and resentment, not only at yourself, but toward others in order to justify your actions. Anger, resentment, and guilt sap your energy, cause depression and illness, and stop you from having success, pleasure, and fulfilling relationships. It keeps you stuck in the past and prevents you from moving forward. You may feel guilty not only for your actions, but also thoughts: For instance, wishing someone pain, misfortune, or even death; or for feelings, like anger, lust, or greed; or lack of feelings, such as not reciprocating love or friendship, or not feeling grief over the loss of someone close. Although irrational, you might feel guilty for the thoughts, attributes, feelings, and actions of someone else. It’s not unusual for people to feel guilty for leaving their faith or not meeting the expectations of their parents. People often judge themselves based upon the blame or false accusations emanating from others, which they believe to be true. For example, a woman projects her self-centeredness onto her husband and accuses him of being selfish. He believes it, not realizing it is she who is selfish (attribute). She might blame her insecurity (feeling) on him, claiming he’s flirting, uncaring, or indifferent. A man might blame his anger (feeling), or mistake (action) on his partner, and she believes him and feels guilty. It’s common for codependents to take the blame for others’ behavior, because of their low self-esteem. A spouse might accept her husband’s blame and feel guilty for his drinking or addiction. Victims of abuse or sexual assault frequently feel guilt and shame, despite the fact that they were victims and it’s the perpetrator that is culpable. When it comes to divorce, those initiating it often feel guilty, even though responsibility for their marital problem is shared or was primarily due to their partner. Guilt should be distinguished from shame, where you feel inferior, inadequate, or bad about who you’re verses what you did. When irrational and not absolved, guilt can lead to shame. Shame isn’t constructive. Instead of enhancing empathy and self-improvement, it has the opposite effect. It leads to greater self-preoccupation and undermines both the self and relationships. If you already have low self-esteem or have issues around shame (most people do), it may be difficult to concentrate on what it is you feel guilty about. However, this is necessary in order to get past it. Rationalizing or brushing it under the rug to avoid self-examination may help temporarily, but not achieve self-forgiveness. Alternatively, beating yourself up prolongs guilt and shame and damages your self-esteem; while, accepting responsibility and taking remedial action improves it. Here are suggested steps you can take. I refer to actions, but they apply equally to thoughts or feelings you feel guilty about: 1. If you’ve been rationalizing your actions, take responsibility. “Okay, I did (or said) it.” 2. Write a story about what happened, including how you felt about yourself and others involved before, during, and after. 3. Analyze what were your needs at that time, and were they being met. If not, why not? 4. What were your motives? What or who was the catalyst for your behavior? 5. Does the catalyst remind you of something from your past? Write a story about it, and include dialogue and your feelings. 6. How were your feelings and mistakes handled growing up? Were they forgiven, judged, or punished? Who was hard on you? Were you made to feel ashamed? 7. Evaluate the standards by which you’re judging yourself. Are they your values, your parents’, your friends’, your spouse’s, or those of your faith? Do you need their approval? It’s pointless to try to live up to someone else’s expectations. Others’ desires and values have more to do with them. They may never approve, or you may sacrifice yourself and your happiness seeking approval. 8. Identify the values and beliefs that in fact governed you during the event? For example, “Adultery is okay if my spouse never finds out.” Be honest, and decide which values you agree with. 9. Did your actions reflect your true values? If not, trace your beliefs, thoughts, and emotions that led to your actions. Think about what may have led you to abandon your values? Notice that you hurt yourself when you violate your values. This actually causes more harm than disappointing someone else. 10. How did your actions affect you and others? Whom did you hurt? Include yourself on the list. 11. Think of ways to make amends? Take action, and make them. For example, if the person is dead, you can write a letter of apology. You can also decide to act differently in the future. 12. Looking back, what healthier beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and actions would have led to a more desirable result? 13. Do you expect perfection? Has this improved your overall well-being? Perfection is illusory and a manifestation of underlying shame. 14. Would you forgive someone else for the same actions? Why would you treat yourself differently? How does it benefit you to continue to punish yourself? 15. Remorse is healthy and leads to corrective action. Think about what you’ve learned from your experience and how you might act differently in today. 16. Write yourself an empathic letter of understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness. 17. Repeat on a daily basis words of kindness and forgiveness from your letter, such as, “I’m innocent,” “I forgive myself,” and “I love myself.” 18. Share honestly with others what you did. Don’t share with those who might judge you. If appropriate, talk about what happened in a 12-Step group. Secrecy prolongs guilt and shame. Realize that you can forgive yourself and still believe you were at fault, just as you might forgive someone else even though you think the person was in the wrong. You can regret what you did, yet accept that you’re human and make mistakes. Perhaps, you did your best, given your circumstances, awareness, maturity, and experience at the time. This is a healthy, humble attitude. If you have any further queries feel free to contact. Regards, Sukanya Biswas.
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